PYHO - Whiny Butt

Everyone knows that I love Jellybean more than life itself. He's an amazing kid. Cute, cuddly, smart as a whip, makes me laugh and gives the best kisses. I know how lucky I am to have him.

Time for some honesty though. Lately, he's been a pain. He's going through a whiny butt stage and everything is a huge ordeal.

He takes his socks off. And whines because he wants them on.

Points to a banana. I give it to him and he whines because he doesn't want it.

I put Elmo on after 237 requests for it and he whines.

I know its a stage. I know he is frustrated that he can't communicate what he wants effectively. He's tired after day care too.

Alone with him all week, pregnant and tired myself. I wish I could have some wine too. I haven't had an appetite, the house is a mess and I'm too tired to care.

Luckily whiny butt gave me extra sweet kisses this morning so maybe, just maybe his cute curls and the way he says momma makes the whininess bearable after all.

I hear that this is just a preview of the next three years or so though. If that's the case then this mommy is going to need to invest in some ear plugs and wine. :-)

PYHO - Everyone Doesn't Need to Know

The hubby and I had a H-U-G-E fight last night.

H-U-G-E

I'm sure we will both get over it in the next week or so. We usually do. But we have some fights. Reality TV worthy.

So obviously I blast all over Facebook about all my marital troubles and what a dickhead my hubby is. Because that is the perfect forum for it right? I mean EVERYONE should know my personal business. Every intimate detail of it.

In fact I think I'll also start giving graphic accounts of my annual gyn exams on there too.

Maybe I'll ask for their opinions on decisions that should be left to the hubby and me.

So my only reference to having a rough night last night was this -

Dear Coffee -

I'm so glad we were able to share that moment together this morning. I can only hope that you got as much pleasure out of it as I did. If not we can try again in an hour or so when I'll be needing you again.

Forever yours,

Me

There's a reason why the hide from news feed is my favorite feature on Facebook. I don't want to know every detail of everyone else's life. I have enough drama in my own.

Hubbies can be jerks. Work can suck. Babies get sick. Dogs poop all over the house. People let you down.

That's life.

Somethings are meant to be kept private. Facebook even with all its security features is not a private forum. Sometime maturity means knowing when to bite your lip and remember that this too shall pass. (Wish I could remember that when I'm in the middle of a heated argument!) Its not the time to go blasting it on Facebook so that EVERYONE knows.

There are times I wish I could get on there during a fight with my hubby and let it all out. I want to hear that I am right and have everyone agree with me. Except it won't change the fact that we are fighting. That he still thinks I'm wrong and that we are angry with each other. All it will do is divide us even further.

Set limits. Boundaries. Respect that some things require privacy.

Remember that things change. Maybe for the better or for the worse. Things aren't good all the time. If they were you'd stop appreciating the good times.

Feel free to post when your hubby sends flowers to work, just because. Let me know your kiddo just used the potty for the first time. Your dog ran into the sliding glass door.

Just think before you post.

This post is linked up with Shell as part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.

PYHO - No More Sickies

Oh, hello imaginary friends. Me again. Yea, I disappeared again.

Not by choice though.

Jellybean caught hand, foot and mouth disease. I haven’t slept in 3 nights because of it.

Not Good.

He got to spend the whole day with his aunt, uncle and cousins yesterday so I could work.

I got this text message from my brother in law yesterday – Your sister and I agree you don’t need to come back. Jellybean will be ok. He said he’s having fun drinking coffee with Uncle Shane.

The little stinker didn’t cry once all day for them. Not when he woke up, not getting into the car seat, not during diaper changes. Not a peep.

As soon as I walked through the door though….Waaaaahhhh!

Sorry – kiddo – not buying it. I have picture proof of how much fun you had without me.

Honestly though? I’m so thankful I have family that can watch him when he’s sick. I’m glad he had fun and didn’t really miss me at all. I’m glad he ate his weight in Craisins and spent three hours playing with the dog crate. (open, shut, open, shut)

Work today – it’s going to be rough. I really haven’t slept in three nights. He’s overtired and fussy at night. Plus the sores in his mouth hurt and he wants to nurse a lot. I think the milk is soothing to his sores and probably helps them heal. It’s like every twenty minutes though. EXHAUSTING!

This child will be healthy as a horse once he starts school. I’m pretty sure he has caught every communicable disease possible at this point. With the amount of breastmilk that the kid downs you would think he’d be sick less often. Maybe his friends at day care are just extra germy? I don’t know.

I do know that I am over my 40 something, childless, unmarried coworker who has type 2 diabetes and is out sick with colds every month who offers me unsolicited parenting advice and homeopathic remedies that worked for her or her godson. As my dad would say – that’s like taking marriage advice from a priest.

So this weekend – lets pray for no sickies. We have a beach weekend planned to celebrate my niece’s 13th birthday.

You’ll find me napping under an umbrella while my family chases after the Jellybean.

This momma needs her sleep!

This post is linked up with Shell as part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.

Rock Bottom

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."
~ Mother Teresa

If life has taught me one thing it is that plans change.

Last week's PYHO post was hard. This one isn't much easier but it at least has hope within it. After last week's post Sara asked me if Joey had hit his rock bottom yet. I didn't know the answer to that at the time. Given his past I wasn't sure if he had a rock bottom.

Now I know he does. Yesterday at 10:42am he called me at work.

He was sobbing uncontrollably. I literally could not understand a word he was saying. Mind you we had just hashed it out again yesterday morning and I had flat out said I'd be more than happy to divorce.

Finally through his sobs I understood "Can't stop the pain pills."  "I need help."

So I did the only thing I could. I told him I was on my way home. I needed to pick up Jellybean and then we would be home to figure things out.

On my way home he also got a call from his probation officer letting him know that the judge had issued a warrant for his violation of probation. Luckily its Bike Week here so apparently they will be too busy to come get him for a few days. I have a call in to her to make sure he can just bond out immediately if he goes to turn himself in. If that is the case we will take care of it after work today.

Back to yesterday though - To be honest. I didn't want to go help him at first. I was MAD. And thinking why in the world should I help you? The more mature part of me won out though. It said that when someone, anyone calls out to you broken and needing help - you do it. Despite all my anger, I do still love him and want what's best for him. The fact that he turned to me first for the help rather than his mom or other family speaks volumes too. Last night he said that he knew I was the only one that could handle this and get him the help that he needs.

So we got home, I fed the Jellybean lunch. And started making phone calls. I contacted 8 or 9 different agencies. We made an appointment with one but decided to swing by another instead. The center we went by is one of the best in the state. When we say Intensive Outpatient they aren't joking 3 hour sessions, 3 times a week with individual and family counseling on top of that. Luckily - covered by our insurance. And they just so happened to have an appointment available when we showed up to do his access interview. So I left him there to take care of things and took Jellybean to the park to play.

This was his thing to do. And it wasn't going to be easy.

After his intake assessment we needed to go back to his psychiatrist to get back on medication. He can't do the IOP program while going through withdrawals so it was a necessary evil. He had to admit to the doctor though that he had fallen off the track and needed help. Going back there may have been the best thing that ever happened though. Over the past five years I have been telling Joey constantly that I think there is something else going on there. I wasn't a medical professional so I couldn't diagnose whether it was anxiety, depression, bipolar or something else. I just knew that something wasn't right.

He of course wrote me off.

Yesterday was different. He went back to talk to the doctor and a short while later came back and said the doctor wanted to talk to me. I had been wanting to meet with the man ever since Joey started going there. I couldn't just force myself in for a sit down though so I'd been biding my time. The doctor asked very pointed questions regarding his moods, sleep, family factors and all the other influences that play a role in mental health. We all agreed that he needed some sort of mood stabilizer. What impressed me was Joey saying himself that his moods are all over the place and he doesn't feel in control of them.He didn't get upset as we were being candid with the doctor and I offered glimpses of our personal lives and where I felt the issues were. Instead he owned them and agreed.

Most importantly though - the doctor reiterated exactly what I'd preached for a long time. He needs to learn coping techniques. Ways to control the impulses and be in control. Serious life changes. In addition to the IOP rehab he will be continuing to work with his psychiatrist. Most substance abuse patients have an underlying mental health issue that needs to be addressed. Sometimes the mental health issue comes first and that's why they abuse and other times the abuse leads to the mental health issue. In this case it seems to be the former rather than the latter.

So he has a plan. A multifaceted plan with many people working with him to help. There is medication which he needs to function and then counseling so he can learn to be a responsible man. There aren't any guarantees that come with it though. Ultimately he will either be his own greatest hero or greatest enemy. Time will only tell.

In these past few months God has definitely tested my strength time and again. I know I have passed.

I also know after all this - Jellybean's teen age years should be a walk in the park!

So for now I'm going to sit, watch and wait to see what happens. I've got til September anyway...

This post is linked up with Shell as part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.

PYHO - Should I Stay or Should I Go?

So remember this post?

Yeah, that was a hard one to write.

I didn’t even tell you the whole story in that post either.

Now that things have come to a head again I am ready to.

Back in July, Joey made a HUGE mistake. HUGE. We were having a disagreement and he got physical with me.

I called the cops and had him arrested.

It took me a month to come back home after that. I stayed with my sister and made occasional visits while he was sorting through all the legalities and getting some help.

We did counseling and he was continuing his drug treatment. He was also on probation with all sorts of stipulations attached. I had to deal with all the DCF checks and intervention.

Our marriage was really broken and he knew it. There is a lot I am willing to overlook but physical violence isn’t one of those things. Ever since then he has known he is on a timeline to actually effect some change. He has until this September or I have to cut him loose and start over.

After 5 years together and going through this cycle repeatedly I knew the instant he had relapsed. I see the signs way before he does. Yet he kept lying to me and insisting he wasn’t doing anything. Even though he was gone all the time, not helping when he was home, not giving me nearly enough of his pay check and being a moody, irrational and impulsive asshole.

Except this time I didn’t care and I wasn’t going to save him.

When we went to the concert last week he got upset because I wouldn’t buy him a beer at the concert. I’m not paying $6 for a beer. None of us were drinking and he was already messed up. I guess he decided to walk over to the store and buy one. Then drink it in public. Where he got a ticket for doing it.

Violation of Probation #1.

Then his officer called him and told him he needed to come in yesterday. Because he had failed a drug test.

Violation #2.

I should be upset but this may be the best thing for him. He may be going to jail or he may be starting an INTENSIVE Outpatient rehab program. At the facility I originally wanted him to go to. Except he knew better and had to do it his way. I have a message in to the officer to see what the options are and how it will work. I know the issue here is his addiction and that he needs EXTENSIVE help to get past it. Help I can’t give and won’t. He flat out said he wanted to get caught and I guess he figures the only way he will actually change is if he is court ordered to attend.

I still don’t know what all this means. It may kill us financially again – just as I was starting to dig us out. I have already told my parents they may need to move in to help me out.

I also still don’t know if I want to stay in this marriage or not. Right now I’m in survival mode and doing what I have to in order to keep things together and take care of Jellybean. Right now, financially I need to stay in it just for his pay check and the fact that we need to stay together in our house until September to keep from having to pay the IRS back $4,000 I don’t have. I know that’s a lame reason to stay but given the way the economy is right now I’m sure I’m not the only one doing that.

I love the man that I knew at one point in time. I don’t love who he is now. I don’t trust him at all. I really don’t like him either. I don’t know if that can be changed. When I picture life without him it isn’t devastating to me anymore.

I started living life again and reclaiming the woman I used to be and I like her. I don’t know if I can be her and be with him.

So for now I’m keeping what’s most important in mind – Jellybean. Taking care of him. Figuring out the next steps and knowing that by September I’ll have to make a choice.

Now you see why my posting has been sporadic. I’ve essentially been a single mom for the past year.

Which means I know I can do this.

One way or another.

This post is linked up with Shell as part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.

 

PYHO - What have you done for me lately?

Have you read this article? Mad at Dad

I was reading it and just kept thinking - "Yes, yes, and oh yes!"

I like the mom's in the article feel like I do the lion's share of the work with really nothing reciprocated back to me. It's not just due to Jellybean though. I did it before him but now my work load has increased in direct proportion to the hubby's laziness increasing.

It got me to thinking - "What have I done for myself lately?"

The answer was - nothing.

My life has revolved around the Jellybean, the hubby and everything that needs to get done.

The hubby has the luxury of being able to take his time on the way home. Stop off here or there if he wants to visit a friend or go fishing.

I can't do that. I have pick up duty from day care. Jellybean has to eat by 6:30 at the latest or he turns into an evil ankle biting monster! I walk in the door around 5:30 or so which doesn't leave much time to get a meal on the table.

Last night - I was determined to do something for me. Dinner was in the crock pot ready to go. The moment hubby walked in the door I let him know he was watching Jellybean and feeding him dinner. I was going for a run. My first time working out in over a year.

I only took 11 minutes to myself. That's what it took me run a mile. I am hurting today. But yesterday - it felt great. I was energized afterwards. (Good thing too, since hubby passed out around 7pm and I still had to fix lunches, wash dishes, fold laundry AND get today's dinner prepped!)

It's not going to end with just that one thing though. I AM going to carve out time for myself from now on. I'd love to switch roles for just a week so he can see how much I really do. From meal planning, baby wrangling robbing Peter to pay Paul and tending to the house. I do it all. While he feels like Dad of the year if he takes Jellybean outside to play for an hour and gives him a bath.

Luckily that article also had a Part 2 - Getting Past the Anger. So I'll be trying to implement some of those changes. the hard part though is getting my hubby to stick to the changes. He is about impossible to change on any level. Like most men he's pretty one dimensional and doesn't see everything else that needs to get done. He sees the remote and the TV and the couch.

But since I'm mad at him right now he is pretty close to seeing the end of having clean clothing (I didn't wash any of his this week) and if he keeps it up the end of meals he likes. I personally am a fan of tofu and seaweed so if I need to switch to cooking with those for awhile to institute the change - I will.

That is what I'm doing for  myself lately.

How about you?

This post is linked up with Shell as part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.

 

In Good Times and Bad

I take thee...in good times and bad... to be my lawfully wedded husband until death do us part.

I know I said those words but over the past few months I had been seriously questioning whether I could abide by them.

Its so easy to be in a marriage when things are going good. You cruise through each day on such a high.

When times are bad though - it’s a whole different story. You start each day with a sense of dread and foreboding and basically walk around in Superbitch mode ready to snap as soon as something pisses you off.

The bad times - they were really bad the past few months. I absolutely hated going home. I'm not kidding.

I knew when I walked in that door he would be sitting on the couch, remote in hand and would not have moved all day long. Meanwhile, I was at work all day and would be busting my ass all night long taking care of the house and Jellybean.

I mentioned D-I-V-O-R-C-E. A few times.

I understood.

He felt useless and unmotivated from being unemployed. He was feeling sorry for himself.

All I could see though were all the things that could be getting done.

I spelled it out for him. UNEMPLOYMENT  VACATION.

If you are home you are responsible for taking care of all the things that are happening there AND finishing all the projects that you don't have time for when you are working.

I left lists.

They were ignored.

I bitched, complained and took off to spend the day alone with Jellybean. Anything to not have to be around the jerk who was now living in my home.

On Monday he got the call that he was going to be working full time again on a contract that should last two years.

Dr. Jekyll meet Mr. Hyde.

It was a total turnaround. He was happy again. Dare I say smiling AND laughing at my jokes?

Why yes – there was the guy I fell in love with.

So glad you could make a return. Because the gigantic ASSHOLE that had taken your place – yeah I didn’t love him so much.

This guy though – the one who came home from work and immediately took Jellybean on the back porch to play with his sand and water table and climb around his castle slide. The one who occupied Jellybean while I got to do some chores. Oh I really love the guy.

I loved him even more when he actually came to bed at 11:30 after I told him he needed to spend some time with me. We have DVR honey, just hit record.

I think God gives you the bad times so you can learn to appreciate the good. In all the things I have done I can honestly say that marriage is the hardest. The love you have for your child is UNCONDITIONAL – you never think if things get tough I can just leave. It is so hard to exhibit that same sort of love for your spouse. With no conditions – unwavering.

That is going to be what I strive for though.

Unconditional Love.

In good times and bad.

This post is linked up with Shell as part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.

 

Get It Together

I thought that maybe I was exaggerating at times. That all kids were like this. I would say that I can’t get anything done because I have to watch Jellybean constantly. By the time he was ready to go to sleep so was I. I would drop from sheer exhaustion.

Then a friend came over.

With her 11 month old girl.

Who sat there calmly playing with one toy most of the time.

While Jellybean tore around the room like a Tasmanian Devil. Running from this toy to that and knocking poor Lily over half the time.

“Is he always like this?”

“Pretty much!”

He got a play kitchen for his birthday. Two days later he figured out that he could use the oven door as a step and climb on top of the kitchen set.

I witnessed the whole thing swaying underneath him as I plucked him off and placed him on solid ground.

The crazy child just laughed.

(Did you see that grey hair just grow in on my head? At 29? All Jellybean!)

Then my husband would claim to do chores which came out to I washed dishes and swept and mopped. Despite being home ALL DAY for the past month and a half. (Thank you Jesus – he went back to work yesterday. I was ready to kill him!)

In my world getting chores done means you swept, mopped, vacuumed, dusted, scrubbed the bathrooms, made the beds, disinfected toys, put away laundry, etc, etc.

That’s hard to do when you can’t pull yourself away from the TV.

Its even harder to do when you are out of the house 10 hours a day and then have to cook dinner, play, give baths and convince a rambunctious toddler to sleep.

I’m determined to get on track though and get organized. That is my 2012 resolution. I stayed up WAY late last night but I put all the laundry away, washed dishes AND spit shined the bathroom. I am EXHAUSTED today but I’m going to keep going every night until I feel like the house is where it needs to be. Then we’re going to keep it that way. That means I WILL hold the hubby accountable for leaving his and Jellybean’s dirty clothes and diapers laying around. We WILL clean up after ourselves and dejunkify our home. I WILL get organized at home and that is going to carry over to the rest of my life – finances, career, parenting and hopefully marriage.

Because it can’t keep going the way it has been.

(Thank you Pinterest for providing me with endless inspirations on how to make that happen! )

This post is linked up with Shell as part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.

 

PYHO - Remind Me

I love being a Mom. I really do. I can't think of anything else I'd rather be.

I'm more than just a mom though.

I'm still a woman and a wife.

My husband forgot that somewhere along the way.

He stopped touching, romancing and wooing me.

Most nights he would fall asleep on the couch watching TV way after I would go to bed.

With him not working the past month and us in financial shambles we've been fighting a lot more too which doesn't help the situation.

I can say that since the Jellybean has been born I don't need more than 2 hands to count the number of intimate encounters we have had.

I need more than that.

So I have told him.

And kept telling him.

I need to be touched.

I need you to bring some romance back in.

I know you're depressed and upset and struggling.

But I can't save a sinking ship alone.

We have to get through this together.

But if you have checked out emotionally, physically and mentally - it ain't going to happen buddy.

So now he knows what he needs to do. Not because I feel that the effort needs to be only his but because he rejected me so many times when I tried that I refuse to initiate this.

It's his responsibility to Remind Me why I fell in love with him.

Remind Me of who you use to be.

Remind Me of what we use to be.

Remind Me of what we're going to be.

Remind Me that we're going to make it through this too.

This post is linked up with Shell as part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.

 

Blood - Not so Thick

2 days until I have a one year old.

2 days people!

Ready for the kicker? I have a family member who has NEVER congratulated me on the Jellybean.

Sent a "We're pregnant" announcement.

NOTHING.

My parent's mentioned I had a baby. Via emergency C-section. Who was in the NICU for two weeks.

(crickets)

My nephew hand-delivered a birth announcement.

ZIP.

I sent a Christmas Card. As did my parents.

NO ACKNOWLEDGEMENT.

It's been almost two years since I've exchanged words with this person. I'm talking a CLOSE family member too. (In bloodline terms - obviously not through actions)

In sharp contrast - my neighbor down the street - brought over cards and cookies for us. She comments on all of my Facebook posts. Comes by to chat and see how my "folks" are doing.

My online friends have oohed and aahed over Jellybean from day one. Mind you I have never actually met any of them IRL.

This person I spent years interacting with.

Despite what other's may say - Blood is not always thicker than water. Sometimes the fact that there is supposed to be a stronger connection and loyalty there makes the case for separation that much stronger.

To me family isn't necessarily dictated by blood lines. I have people in my life who I consider family and care for as deeply as if we shared the same parents. One case - my ex-fiancee's (who is deceased) family. I don't care what anyone says - they are my family too. There is NOTHING I wouldn't do for them.

Many of my bloggy friends out there have been my greatest support system through pregnancy and mommyhood. That first year is rough. Shell sent me maternity clothes. Genevieve has commiserated on non-sleeping, booby addicted little boys. Tori has always been so encouraging when those breastfeeding session get rough. That is just a small morsel of support and acknowledgement I have gotten from so many. Seeing the care and compassion total strangers can offer you makes you realize that its okay if some people choose not to be a part of your life - when there are so many others who are choosing to be a BIG part of your life.

To everyone in my life - Thank you for being there for me. It means the world to me.

This post is linked up with Shell as part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.

 

PYHO - Is it ENOUGH?

I think every working mom out there struggles with mommy guilt.

Am I doing ENOUGH with him?

Are we spending ENOUGH time together?

Does he feel loved ENOUGH?

Is he learning ENOUGH?

Is he happy ENOUGH?

I know for sure right now that the one thing we don't have ENOUGH of is money. The new job for the hubby didn't work out. Even though I am behind on all of my bills and I don't know where the money is going to come from I am strangely somehow at peace with all of it. I just know that it will all work out. It may take a minute to get back on our feet but we will be okay.

Now back to the Jellybean and struggling with the battle of ENOUGH.

I finally realized that yes he is getting ENOUGH. That I really am doing ENOUGH and more so in many cases.

I can say that other than the first day of his life when I was being held hostage by the other hospital he has never spent more than a few hours without me.

I have spent every single one of my lunch breaks with him since going back to work. Lately we go to the park and just play in the grass for an hour. We giggle and try to eat leaves and grass and give hugs. Lots of hugs. Yesterday Daddy joined us and we played hide and seek

Once we get home we spend time together. It's rare that one of us isn't down on the floor with Jellybean playing. He is wherever we are. In the kitchen "helping" with dinner, in his room "jamming out,"

or in the living room just chilling on the couch.

He is loved ENOUGH.

 Last weekend we took him downtown to listen to the carolers and see "snow". Then Saturday morning we went to breakfast with Santa AND then we went back out after his nap to watch the RC planes fly at the airport by our house since he's currently obsessed with planes.

We go to gymnastics every week, sometimes twice a week. I read to him in both Polish and English. They send toys home with him from day care because he is one of their favorites. He is walking, talking and knows how to do things we had no idea he could. He says new words all the time. Not regularly but he knows them - up, down, dog, mama, dada, no, stop.

He loves to give hugs and kisses. He has a mischievous smile and a contagious laugh. He rarely fusses unless you are trying to change his diaper. He has more offers for babysitters then we have desire to leave him. He gets home made, healthy food every day. He is a child who will snack on black beans and Brussels sprouts just as quickly as a chocolate chip cookie. 

He has grandparents who are trying to buy a house two miles away from me just so they can spend more time with him and us.

It's time to stop doubting myself and realize that yes - he is getting ENOUGH of everything. He is loved by his parents and family who picked a day care that would just as soon adopt him as give him back. He is learning, growing, and thriving. I will always feel guilty for having to work but even if I was home with him all the time I still couldn't do EVERYTHING all the time. And if he did he would be a spoiled, sufferable child.

Instead he does hear no. He understands it too. He has to wait for things and doesn't always get what he wants. That's okay though because he is getting EVERYTHING that he needs.

This post is linked up with Shell as part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.

 

PYHO - Sharing A Night

I have a giveaway going on! If you have kids or know anyone who does you should totally enter! :)

As Jellybean's first birthday (Eek - Hold me!) and Christmas are fast approaching I am often asked what we are getting him for presents. Because you know the kid doesn't have enough toys already...

Jellybean's arrival was unexpected, early and terrifying. I was reminded again how tiny he was last night as I was making dinner and I realized the chicken I was baking weighed more than he did at birth! Jellybean was transferred shortly after his birth to a NICU about 40 miles from our home and spent the next two weeks there as a grower and feeder. I checked out of the birth hospital 2 days after an emergency C-section and spent the next 12 days living in the Ronald McDonald house on the NICU hospital campus. We can honestly say we would not have made it through that ordeal without the Ronald McDonald house. Joey and I will be eternally grateful for the Ronald McDonald house being there for parents like us. Joey was still able to go to work every day and then come back to the Ronald McDonald house to spend time with Jellybean. I was comforted in knowing I was never more than 5 minutes away.

So as soon as we were released from the hospital and we checked out of the Ronald McDonald house we knew we wanted to be able to give back. Although we hope to never have to use their services again, we wanted someone else whose sweet child is unfortunately stuck in the hospital to be able to have a place to come back to and relax. The way we plan on doing that is simple - every Christmas and every birthday one of Jellybean's presents is going to be a donation to the Ronald McDonald House Share a Night Campaign. $15 so that another family can have what we did. It’s a simple gesture and doesn't require any extra work from us. I also plan on putting a little blurb about it in our Christmas newsletter so others may be inspired to give to them also. As all of you start your Christmas shopping and start getting sucked into the mayhem that is the holidays I hope you to will think of donating to your local Ronald McDonald house - you never know when you may end up needing their services yourself!

This post is linked up with Shell as part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.

 

PYHO - It's Not My Place

Many times in the past few months I've read blog entries about mom's being competitive and judging each other. About the unspoken war we all have going with each other about who is the better Mom. I really, really try not to judge and try to remember to each his own.

But sometimes? It takes all my strength and self control to not open my mouth and say something.

Like when you see people laying a 5 month old on their stomach to sleep, while wrapped in the baby comforter and then they let said baby "Cry It Out" for the next two hours..

I really wanted to shout at them "FOR PETE'S SAKE! YOU CALL YOURSELF PARENTS?"  but I didn't, I simply went to bed instead while peering down at my Jellybean and once again feeling blessed that he is such a good baby.

Its such a hard line to walk between wanting to offer others insight from all the reading you have done and crossing that line into unsolicited advice. I have made it a point to be a well educated parent. I read as much as I can and research what methods are out there and what science and study supports. I try to share that as much as I can. If there is something I am unsure of - I ask.

That is why I get frustrated when I see people doing things which I know aren't suggested or could be detrimental to their child. Then I remember - It's Not My Place to tell someone else how they should raise their child.

They are choosing the methods which they feel will work best for them and their family. That probably won't be what is working best for us. That doesn't necessarily mean that one of is wrong and the other right. My choices aren't any better than someone else's.  Just different.

Honestly? Joey and I don't always agree on the best way to do things with the Jellybean. I am okay with somewhat following Baby Led Weaning - it scares the crap out of Joey and he prefers to break up food into miniscule pieces that Jellybean needs a magnifying glass in order to find. I don't believe in spanking and Joey thinks there is nothing wrong with it.

If we don't always agree with each other - there is no way I can tell someone else what they should be doing in their own home. So, when those moments come that someone is doing something I would never consider doing in a million years - I take a deep breath and smile -

and remember that -

some people would never let their baby sleep in bed with them

(when its 3 am and all Jellybean wants is to snuggle and nurse and has a melt down every time I lay him in his bed...I let the kiddo sleep where he will - Mama needs sleep too!)

some people would be appalled that I don't disinfect every item that Jellybean drops on the floor

some people can't believe that Jellybean still isn't sleeping through the night, I mean I should really sleep train him

some people would frown upon my plan to let Jellybean self-wean as long as that may take

so I choose to try to not judge, lest I be judged myself!



This post is linked up with Shell as part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.

 

PYHO - Cleaning My Plate

As I mentioned on Monday, we started Jellybean in baby gymnastics. I'm going to talk some more about that tomorrow in Things I LoveThursday but so far we really love it. The only thing about it though is that in order for me to take him to the free plays they offer I have had to adjust my work schedule. More often than not I am working later so I can take a two hour lunch on Fridays. That makes for some huge time constraints at home.

I may not walk in the door until 5:45. I like to have Jellybean in bed no later than 8pm.

In between there is dinners to cook for the hubby, me and Jellybean, bathtime and if I'm super lucky a few chores get tackled. Half the time I am doing all that solo because Joey is working late.

So if you guys hadn't noticed - I decided to clean my plate some.

I love blogging - the actual act of writing along with reading all of your entries and sharing feedback. It’s a great release for me. The problem is when I don't get a chance to sit down until 9pm, I don't have the mental capacity to read or write anything. My blog, twitter, facebook - they are all luxuries, not necessities so I had to give myself permission to not be a part of it when I don't have the time to sacrifice for it. I had to remind myself that I do work two full time jobs - one to pay the bills and the other to be the best mom in the world to Jellybean. That means that there may be weeks where I don't get on the computer at all. I might not read a single blog, tweet or anything. My house may also be in shambles if the hubby worked late all week.

We are still finding our way in this world of parenting. It seems like every time you figure it out - something changes. I know most mom's are dealing with back to school right now so they are in the same boat. There are some little steps I've taken that seem to be helping. I joined E-mealz and what a lifesaver that has been! I love having my meals decided for me! Meal planning was something that fell by the wayside when Jellybean came along. I tried but I just couldn't keep up with it. For anyone that hasn't joined E-mealz - do it now - I swear it's the best thing ever. Use coupon code Dave and you'll only pay $12.50 for three months! We have loved trying new recipes too since you often fall into a rut with meals - at least in our house. I also stopped trying to be Super Mom and make all of Jellybean's meals myself. Babies R Us had a huge sale on Earth's Best Organic Baby Food - so I stocked up. If I need an easy night, I am not a failure for pulling out a jar. Jellybean is just happy to eat. He doesn't care if I cooked it or not.

So while I may not be the best blogger or internet friend any more - I do have a lot on my plate and the number one priority is thriving. My preemie is almost 8 months old and right now he is developmentally ahead in every area. By nine months, I am pretty sure he will be walking. That scares the bejeezus out of me! He is a happy, smiley, full of joy kind of kid. He is still breastfeeding and usually refusing bottles. He is so smart that we have to hide things from him regularly. You show that kid how a toy works once and he has it figured out. So my plate it is full but I am so fulfilled!

I miss all of you, I really do. So far though - I haven't heard Jellybean complain so I must be doing something right.

This post is linked up with Shell as part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.

 

PYHO - Making Me a Priority

Don't Forget to enter my Veggie Tales giveaway!

Also  - I have a new meme that I would love for you to join up with too! Its  on Thursday's so I'm giving you time to prepare for it. It's called Things I Love Thursdays.

Everyone tells you that once you have a baby you need to make sure to take care of yourself too.


That you need to make time for yourself and just relax.


Occasionally you need to put yourself first and that's okay.


What they don't tell you is how to do that.


They don't tell you how to turn the mommy mode off for a minute and think about yourself as the person you were before.


For me. It took a shopping trip to do it. And my hubby.


We were at Kohl's since Hubby needed some new pants. (All of his for some reason become "work pants" and he is left with no nice clothing to wear in public.) I had the Jellybean as usual and was coordinating nursing him while browsing through the baby clearance items. Hubby found me and had his pants in hand.


Which he hadn't tried on. GRRR...


So it was time for a visit to the changing room and of course - a swap in sizes after that. Then Hubby turns to me and says - "Why don't you pick out some clothes for you?"


The thought hadn't even crossed my mind to shop for myself.


Even though a large majority of my pre-Jellybean clothes no longer fit me.


And my style had majorly changed since having Jellybean.


But to buy something for myself - could I really do it and not feel guilty?


Yes - I could. Most of my purchases were from the clearance racks but that just meant I could get more stuff. Hubby found a dress I loved the instant I put it on. Dresses are a HUGE part of my style now.


That half hour of perusing the racks while the Hubby wandered with Jellybean - it was DIVINE. I forgot how good it felt to spoil yourself every once in awhile. How nice it is to have a few cute outfits that REALLY fit you.


More importantly - I remembered that we need to take the time to indulge ourselves every now and then. That you aren't taking anything away from your spouse or your child by treating yourself every now and then.


That being said - There's a pedicure in my near future.


This post is linked up with Shell as part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.

 

PYHO - With Friends Like These

First things first - Did you notice I'm hosting an awesome Veggie Tales giveaway? You should totally go enter. All the cool kids are doing it!

Also - I have a new meme that I would love for you to join up with too! Its on Thursday's so I'm giving you time to prepare for it. It's called Things I Love Thursdays. If you link up - me love you long long time! :)

Finally - it's World Breastfeeding Day and I'm proud to say I'm going 7 months strong!

On to the business at hand.

I had a different post planned for today but then I got bombarded by messages from someone last night that kind of ticked me off.

Have you ever had "friends" that only contact you when they need something?

That you don't hear from unless they have news to share about them or it could benefit them?

Last night, I had that person contact me again. Luckily, I went to bed at 8:30 with the Jellybean so it didn't piss me off until this morning.

It's funny because the messages always start off as "Hi, How are you? The family, etc." Then I get a rundown of everything their child is doing and always at the end comes the kicker. Hey I need you to do this for me.

We have hung out with these people once since Jellybean was born.

I invited them to do things with us on a few other occasions and it never happened so I stopped trying. Not once has an invite been extended to us. Not a "Hey, Let's get our kids together to play!" or anything of that sort.

Now, I'm not a huge fan of their parenting techniques anyhow but I was willing to overlook that so our kiddos could get to know each other. But friendship, it’s a two way road. I don't want to be your friend just because you need something from me.

I want friends that call just to talk. That will meet up with us on a Saturday morning for breakfast. That are just as willing to help us when we need something. If the only time I hear from you is when you need something. I'm sorry but we just aren't friends.

Right now, I still haven't responded because I'm still upset. I don't know whether to say - Hey you only contact me when you need something and its getting old or to just not respond at all anymore.

Sigh, at least I have my bloggy friends, right?

This post is linked up with Shell as part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.

 

PYHO - Mrs. Crabbypants

I had a million ideas running through my head about what I should write about this week. That pretty much sums up my life lately though. There seems to be a million things going on around me at work, home and everywhere in between. Its been a little hard to catch my breath lately but I’m keeping my head above water – somehow.

I tried to write this post yesterday. I had meetings at work from 8:30 until 12:30. Then I fed Jellybean, came back to the office and had two more meetings. Finally it was time to head towards the home. I ran by the house, grabbed a check I'd been waiting on out of the mail box and hightailed it to the bank so I could avoid bouncing our account. I finally walked in the door at home around 5:45pm. Jellybean was starving so the first order of business was to feed him. Then he wanted to play. Between playing with him, feeding him, bathing and all that I was exhausted. It was definitely a Pizza night.

I mentioned that to hubby and I guess I was short when I said it. He asked what my problem was and I said - I'm tired and I'm in a bad mood because of it. Well if I talked to you that way you'd say I was being an ass. I am being a bitch. I admit it. I'm exhausted. I had a rough day. Then he kept picking at me even though he knew I wasn't in the mood for it.

I walked away and gave Jellybean his bath.

Then his nebulizer treatment.

Then I ate my pizza and went to bed.

At 9pm.

Without actually getting in a fight with the hubby.

Sometimes the key to success in marriage is just knowing when to shut the F up. Last night was one of those nights.

I feel better today.

And I'm not even mad at him. Because I know I was the one who was a crabby pants last night. So there's no reason for me to be mad.

Damn, when did I learn to be mature?

This post is linked up with Shell as part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.