So remember this post?
Yeah, that was a hard one to write.
I didn’t even tell you the whole story in that post either.
Now that things have come to a head again I am ready to.
Back in July, Joey made a HUGE mistake. HUGE. We were having a disagreement and he got physical with me.
I called the cops and had him arrested.
It took me a month to come back home after that. I stayed with my sister and made occasional visits while he was sorting through all the legalities and getting some help.
We did counseling and he was continuing his drug treatment. He was also on probation with all sorts of stipulations attached. I had to deal with all the DCF checks and intervention.
Our marriage was really broken and he knew it. There is a lot I am willing to overlook but physical violence isn’t one of those things. Ever since then he has known he is on a timeline to actually effect some change. He has until this September or I have to cut him loose and start over.
After 5 years together and going through this cycle repeatedly I knew the instant he had relapsed. I see the signs way before he does. Yet he kept lying to me and insisting he wasn’t doing anything. Even though he was gone all the time, not helping when he was home, not giving me nearly enough of his pay check and being a moody, irrational and impulsive asshole.
Except this time I didn’t care and I wasn’t going to save him.
When we went to the concert last week he got upset because I wouldn’t buy him a beer at the concert. I’m not paying $6 for a beer. None of us were drinking and he was already messed up. I guess he decided to walk over to the store and buy one. Then drink it in public. Where he got a ticket for doing it.
Violation of Probation #1.
Then his officer called him and told him he needed to come in yesterday. Because he had failed a drug test.
I should be upset but this may be the best thing for him. He may be going to jail or he may be starting an INTENSIVE Outpatient rehab program. At the facility I originally wanted him to go to. Except he knew better and had to do it his way. I have a message in to the officer to see what the options are and how it will work. I know the issue here is his addiction and that he needs EXTENSIVE help to get past it. Help I can’t give and won’t. He flat out said he wanted to get caught and I guess he figures the only way he will actually change is if he is court ordered to attend.
I still don’t know what all this means. It may kill us financially again – just as I was starting to dig us out. I have already told my parents they may need to move in to help me out.
I also still don’t know if I want to stay in this marriage or not. Right now I’m in survival mode and doing what I have to in order to keep things together and take care of Jellybean. Right now, financially I need to stay in it just for his pay check and the fact that we need to stay together in our house until September to keep from having to pay the IRS back $4,000 I don’t have. I know that’s a lame reason to stay but given the way the economy is right now I’m sure I’m not the only one doing that.
I love the man that I knew at one point in time. I don’t love who he is now. I don’t trust him at all. I really don’t like him either. I don’t know if that can be changed. When I picture life without him it isn’t devastating to me anymore.
I started living life again and reclaiming the woman I used to be and I like her. I don’t know if I can be her and be with him.
So for now I’m keeping what’s most important in mind – Jellybean. Taking care of him. Figuring out the next steps and knowing that by September I’ll have to make a choice.
Now you see why my posting has been sporadic. I’ve essentially been a single mom for the past year.
Which means I know I can do this.
One way or another.
This post is linked up with Shell as part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.