Wednesday, March 7, 2012

PYHO - Should I Stay or Should I Go?

So remember this post?

Yeah, that was a hard one to write.

I didn’t even tell you the whole story in that post either.

Now that things have come to a head again I am ready to.

Back in July, Joey made a HUGE mistake. HUGE. We were having a disagreement and he got physical with me.

I called the cops and had him arrested.

It took me a month to come back home after that. I stayed with my sister and made occasional visits while he was sorting through all the legalities and getting some help.

We did counseling and he was continuing his drug treatment. He was also on probation with all sorts of stipulations attached. I had to deal with all the DCF checks and intervention.

Our marriage was really broken and he knew it. There is a lot I am willing to overlook but physical violence isn’t one of those things. Ever since then he has known he is on a timeline to actually effect some change. He has until this September or I have to cut him loose and start over.

After 5 years together and going through this cycle repeatedly I knew the instant he had relapsed. I see the signs way before he does. Yet he kept lying to me and insisting he wasn’t doing anything. Even though he was gone all the time, not helping when he was home, not giving me nearly enough of his pay check and being a moody, irrational and impulsive asshole.

Except this time I didn’t care and I wasn’t going to save him.

When we went to the concert last week he got upset because I wouldn’t buy him a beer at the concert. I’m not paying $6 for a beer. None of us were drinking and he was already messed up. I guess he decided to walk over to the store and buy one. Then drink it in public. Where he got a ticket for doing it.

Violation of Probation #1.

Then his officer called him and told him he needed to come in yesterday. Because he had failed a drug test.

Violation #2.

I should be upset but this may be the best thing for him. He may be going to jail or he may be starting an INTENSIVE Outpatient rehab program. At the facility I originally wanted him to go to. Except he knew better and had to do it his way. I have a message in to the officer to see what the options are and how it will work. I know the issue here is his addiction and that he needs EXTENSIVE help to get past it. Help I can’t give and won’t. He flat out said he wanted to get caught and I guess he figures the only way he will actually change is if he is court ordered to attend.

I still don’t know what all this means. It may kill us financially again – just as I was starting to dig us out. I have already told my parents they may need to move in to help me out.

I also still don’t know if I want to stay in this marriage or not. Right now I’m in survival mode and doing what I have to in order to keep things together and take care of Jellybean. Right now, financially I need to stay in it just for his pay check and the fact that we need to stay together in our house until September to keep from having to pay the IRS back $4,000 I don’t have. I know that’s a lame reason to stay but given the way the economy is right now I’m sure I’m not the only one doing that.

I love the man that I knew at one point in time. I don’t love who he is now. I don’t trust him at all. I really don’t like him either. I don’t know if that can be changed. When I picture life without him it isn’t devastating to me anymore.

I started living life again and reclaiming the woman I used to be and I like her. I don’t know if I can be her and be with him.

So for now I’m keeping what’s most important in mind – Jellybean. Taking care of him. Figuring out the next steps and knowing that by September I’ll have to make a choice.

Now you see why my posting has been sporadic. I’ve essentially been a single mom for the past year.

Which means I know I can do this.

One way or another.

This post is linked up with Shell as part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.


Rochelle@AFamilyofLooneys said...

Dang girl I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. You know it is like you said the most important thing is Jellybean. Sounds like your husband needs some serious help. I would not trust him around Jellybean. If he hit you then he could hurt Jellybean. I am sure you thinking about that. I am sorry it is so bad my friend :-(

By Word of Mouth Musings said...

When you put a question like that out there, I believe in a way you already know the answer ...
Take care of you and your little bean. Your husband needs to get help to function as a human being respecting those around him ... before he can work on a marriage and especially being a Dad.
So glad you have your parents and their support, much love to you xxx

Sara S said...

You're an amazing woman, being a "single mom" for a year, and having to go through all of that. Will be keeping you in our prayers, that no matter what happens you and Jellybean are taken care of & happy.

Kristen said...

Wow... I remember your old post. I think you probably know in your heart what you must do... But you will have to come to terms with it on your own. Good luck and I will be thinking about you. Big hugs. xo

Melissa Maloney said...

You have already answered your own question and don't realize it. I know how hard it is, but at some point we have to decide that WE are worth it and deserve better. No matter how much money has to be paid to do it, no matter what struggles there may be....you already know what is best.

Shell said...

Oh, girl.

I can't even imagine what you have been going through.

You have to make the best decision for you and Jellybean. xo

Adventures as a Small Town Mom said...

Man, and I thought my life could be challenging at times. I really hope things work out for you.

Ducky said...

You have such amazing statements of strength in this post!

"which means I can do this...". That speaks so loudly and please don't lose the woman you've found in you. Protect her just as you would Jellybean.

CurlyGirlMom said...

You're a really brave woman... I give you a lot of credit for your brutal honesty and courage in sharing your struggles. Jellybean is blessed to have you as his mommy. Please, take care of yourself and your baby boy.

Pam said...

As someone who has gone through this same thing (other than mine was a porn addict and alcoholic),you know what you need to do. I struggled with leaving for a couple of years before I finally left. We had been married for almost 10 years, had 3 children and it was my 2nd marriage; I did not want to be divorced again. One day when I was getting ready to go to work, I told him we needed to talk. After I told him I was done and wanted a divorce, it was like this HUGE weight had been lifted off my shoulders and this amazing peace came over me. I just knew it was the right thing to do. I knew it would be hard, but I knew that it was not healthy to be there; for me or my kids. It was better for all of us to be in a single parent home than in a home with all the toxic crap that was there.
It will be hard, but you can do it. He cannot change because you want him to or because he is court ordered to, he has to do it for himself. And as long as he knows that everything will be the same, he will never change. My ex has never changed. He has gotten into so much trouble in the past 3 years, he is currently on probation and has violated it a couple of times and has spent (only) a couple of weeks in jail, got fired from his job,but still hasn't changed, because he doesn't want to. Our kids are also old enough now to decide if they want to spend time with him or not and they are getting to the point they don't want to be around him and he still doesn't change.
Know that you have a lot of support and people to talk to (from all the posts to you)and you won't be alone in this next part of your journey. xo

S.I.F. said...

Holy crap lady. I don't even know what to say, except that it sounds at least as though you are being level headed about this. I am SO sorry you are going through this. Take care of you and Jelly Bean as best you can, OK? Thinking of you...

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Like Pam before me said, I think you know what you have to do, want to do, and what is best for both you and Jellybean. There may be some terrible financial issues to come, but you already know that is in the future either way.
As a person who has recovered from an issue- although it is an eating disorder- I can still talk of some of the journey. He has to want to get better for himself, for you, for JB, and it is DAMN hard. He may do better on his own as he does this, without trying to manage a family. I don't know, only you and he can answer these questions. But? You have us, and we care.

jen@ living a full life said...

I am so sorry that you're going thru this, you must feel so terribly at loose ends with this whole situation.

I just don't know what to say, so let me just say this.

Surround yourself with people you love, get good advise and follow your gut instincts, they are never wrong.

It is truly my hope that you'll come thru this crisis OK, prayers and hugs.

Kimberly said...

I had to make a decision to leave an abusive relationship before. I had to put myself and my child first, and that's what the deciding factor was for me.

Hang in there girl, I know you can do it. xo

Brandi said...

Sending you some prayers! I don't have any advice except to take care of you and your little one!

Jenn [ Crippled Girl ] said...

oh honey. Sending ALL my love to you as you go through these difficult times and make such hard decisions.

Krystal said...

I have been meaning to shoot you an email but haven't had the time! I WILL though this weekend. I grew up with a father like this so I have some insight!

Struggling for Ever After said...

Oh dear, that sound just awful.

Niki said...

I had no idea. I could tell you were struggling by reading some of your posts. I just didn't know it was to this degree. It sounds like once Sept comes, let the house go and you and Jellybean move one to where ever you can with out your husband. I know he needs your help but your son needs you more, ya know. Keeping you in my thoughts.

Adrienne said...

Di, I'm sorry you're going through all of this! I have had to deal with similar issues. It can be so hard. I'm praying for you!


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