Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Rock Bottom

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."
~ Mother Teresa

If life has taught me one thing it is that plans change.

Last week's PYHO post was hard. This one isn't much easier but it at least has hope within it. After last week's post Sara asked me if Joey had hit his rock bottom yet. I didn't know the answer to that at the time. Given his past I wasn't sure if he had a rock bottom.

Now I know he does. Yesterday at 10:42am he called me at work.

He was sobbing uncontrollably. I literally could not understand a word he was saying. Mind you we had just hashed it out again yesterday morning and I had flat out said I'd be more than happy to divorce.

Finally through his sobs I understood "Can't stop the pain pills."  "I need help."

So I did the only thing I could. I told him I was on my way home. I needed to pick up Jellybean and then we would be home to figure things out.

On my way home he also got a call from his probation officer letting him know that the judge had issued a warrant for his violation of probation. Luckily its Bike Week here so apparently they will be too busy to come get him for a few days. I have a call in to her to make sure he can just bond out immediately if he goes to turn himself in. If that is the case we will take care of it after work today.

Back to yesterday though - To be honest. I didn't want to go help him at first. I was MAD. And thinking why in the world should I help you? The more mature part of me won out though. It said that when someone, anyone calls out to you broken and needing help - you do it. Despite all my anger, I do still love him and want what's best for him. The fact that he turned to me first for the help rather than his mom or other family speaks volumes too. Last night he said that he knew I was the only one that could handle this and get him the help that he needs.

So we got home, I fed the Jellybean lunch. And started making phone calls. I contacted 8 or 9 different agencies. We made an appointment with one but decided to swing by another instead. The center we went by is one of the best in the state. When we say Intensive Outpatient they aren't joking 3 hour sessions, 3 times a week with individual and family counseling on top of that. Luckily - covered by our insurance. And they just so happened to have an appointment available when we showed up to do his access interview. So I left him there to take care of things and took Jellybean to the park to play.

This was his thing to do. And it wasn't going to be easy.

After his intake assessment we needed to go back to his psychiatrist to get back on medication. He can't do the IOP program while going through withdrawals so it was a necessary evil. He had to admit to the doctor though that he had fallen off the track and needed help. Going back there may have been the best thing that ever happened though. Over the past five years I have been telling Joey constantly that I think there is something else going on there. I wasn't a medical professional so I couldn't diagnose whether it was anxiety, depression, bipolar or something else. I just knew that something wasn't right.

He of course wrote me off.

Yesterday was different. He went back to talk to the doctor and a short while later came back and said the doctor wanted to talk to me. I had been wanting to meet with the man ever since Joey started going there. I couldn't just force myself in for a sit down though so I'd been biding my time. The doctor asked very pointed questions regarding his moods, sleep, family factors and all the other influences that play a role in mental health. We all agreed that he needed some sort of mood stabilizer. What impressed me was Joey saying himself that his moods are all over the place and he doesn't feel in control of them.He didn't get upset as we were being candid with the doctor and I offered glimpses of our personal lives and where I felt the issues were. Instead he owned them and agreed.

Most importantly though - the doctor reiterated exactly what I'd preached for a long time. He needs to learn coping techniques. Ways to control the impulses and be in control. Serious life changes. In addition to the IOP rehab he will be continuing to work with his psychiatrist. Most substance abuse patients have an underlying mental health issue that needs to be addressed. Sometimes the mental health issue comes first and that's why they abuse and other times the abuse leads to the mental health issue. In this case it seems to be the former rather than the latter.

So he has a plan. A multifaceted plan with many people working with him to help. There is medication which he needs to function and then counseling so he can learn to be a responsible man. There aren't any guarantees that come with it though. Ultimately he will either be his own greatest hero or greatest enemy. Time will only tell.

In these past few months God has definitely tested my strength time and again. I know I have passed.

I also know after all this - Jellybean's teen age years should be a walk in the park!

So for now I'm going to sit, watch and wait to see what happens. I've got til September anyway...

This post is linked up with Shell as part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.


Jenn [ Crippled Girl ] said...

I think having to wait until September is a blessing in disguise. It will either bring you closer, or give you time for closure. I hope it is a healing time, in either case.

I'm proud that your hubby is owning up to things - and sending all my love and prayers to all of you. *hugs*

Adrienne said...

Di, I'm praying for strength, healing, and restoration. Your husband is so blessed to have you in his corner. You are so strong! Juggling work, motherhood, and all of this?! You know I'm close. Is there anything I can do to help?

Sara S said...

Happy to hear that your hubby is working on it! Hope that things go well for you, keeping you and Jellybean in our prayers! You're such a strong woman!

Samantha said...

New reader, so I don't know everything going on...but I do know that I've been through drugs with husband. His was pain pils, and while we were dating...cocaine. I understand how you feel whole heartedly...I hope things work out. My husband is much better today, than he was even two years ago. But I pray for that many every day. Thinking of you.

Natalie said...

You are a strong woman...and he is lucky that you did help him after everything. I hope he does get the help he needs.

Shell said...

I'm so glad that there is a plan in place to help him and that he's admitting he needs this help. I hope it works.

Sending prayers of strength for you. xo

Natalie @ MamaTrack said...

Wow. What a lot you are dealing with. I'm so sorry. Good luck--I'm pulling for you all!

katery said...

i am new to your blog, i don't know everything that is going on with you but it sounds like you are dealing with a LOT right now, you must be a strong woman. i'm glad you have this blog to vent..

angelaluvnlife said...

Life is Hard. No one said it would be easy just said that it would be worth it. Souns like you are a strong women and hopefully you can gather people close to you to help you get through the things you need.

Heather said...

Life is incredibly hard for you right now, but you keep on pushing on. I think that shows what a STRONG person you are.

I think it is right it is important that he came to you for help because he knew you were at your breaking point and would not give him any slack he needs that.

Thinking of you and your family.


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