Saturday, March 31, 2012

Once Upon A Time

Once Upon A Time

I use to blog regularly.

I probably didn't have 12 or so really indepth projects going on at work simultaneously though.

My hubby also wasn't doing outpatient rehab three times a week after work and I wasn't meeting up with him at least two of those days so we can eat dinner and play with Jellybean at the park.

Jellybean also probably didn't get another ear infection during all that.

I also probably wasn't feeling bitter since my whole family was spending the week in the Florida KEYS while I was stuck at work.

Nope not bitter at all.

They are snorkeling. I scrubbed the toilets and folded laundry. They are sunbathing. I went to Target.

Its sunny and bright there.

It started raining here right when we were about to take Jellybean to the park.

Not bitter.

Luckily I am now watching Jellybean dip his string cheese in ketchup and laugh so that makes it a little better.

And we need the rain.

Its been like the Sahara here.

Not to mention it gets me out of raking the yard. That was next on the chore list.

Looks like Jellybean and I will be doing some Easter crafts instead.

Rough life but someone has to do it. Right?

I mean its not the Keys but I'll just make it my own bit of paradise, yellow fingerpaint and all.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Nighttime letters

Dear Child -

I admire your tenacity for fighting sleep. When you are in college, have a paper due at 8 am and have not started on it the night before this talent will come in quite handy. (Not that I know this from experience - your mom is perfect dont ya know!) For now though - you aren't quite 15 months old - sleep is a good thing. No need to show you are more stubborn then Mommy and Daddy combined

Sweet dreams sweet boy!

Thursday, March 22, 2012

One Logical Conclusion...

Someone commented on my last post that it seems like if it’s not one thing it’s another for me!

YOU AREN’T KIDDING! (Note to self – holding shift while pressing the ‘ key = “. These are not the same. Learn to type…)

So obviously because of this I must be a depressed woe is me kind of individual who would like all your sympathy and hates life in general – right?

(Gawd – I really hope you don’t think that!)

Because I’m not. Even with EVERYTHING I have going on I am pretty slap happy.

I mean I’m a mom to this kid –

How can I not be happy?

And obviously this entire mountain of shitrosity I am going through right now (Yes, I did make that word up. And yes, feel free to steal it!) can only mean one thing.

There is good Karma coming my way at some point soon.

Which in my world means I am going to win the lottery, or Powerball or Mega Money. Maybe Publisher’s Clearinghouse (Oh hey Ed! How’s it going buddy? That big cardboard check is for me? You don’t say…)

See I’m not picky, or depressed.

It’s obvious better things are coming my way and soon. I mean they say God rewards those who persevere, help others and are good people. I think I’m doing a pretty good job at that.

I bet there’s a point system or something involved and that’s why it just hasn’t happened yet for me. Maybe it’s like the Accelerated Reader program and I just need one more thing to put me over the top. (Note to 7th graders – Read Rebecca. Pretty sure that got me 80% of my point in 2 weeks. After that you could read Ms. Messy and be done for the year!)

God is up there tabulating and waiting for me to top off my points. Then Bam! That machine is going to spit out my lucky numbers.

I mean that is the one logical conclusion someone can come to when looking over the shitrosity right?

Now excuse me, I need to start planning how best to spend my millions.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

PYHO - No More Sickies

Oh, hello imaginary friends. Me again. Yea, I disappeared again.

Not by choice though.

Jellybean caught hand, foot and mouth disease. I haven’t slept in 3 nights because of it.

Not Good.

He got to spend the whole day with his aunt, uncle and cousins yesterday so I could work.

I got this text message from my brother in law yesterday – Your sister and I agree you don’t need to come back. Jellybean will be ok. He said he’s having fun drinking coffee with Uncle Shane.

The little stinker didn’t cry once all day for them. Not when he woke up, not getting into the car seat, not during diaper changes. Not a peep.

As soon as I walked through the door though….Waaaaahhhh!

Sorry – kiddo – not buying it. I have picture proof of how much fun you had without me.

Honestly though? I’m so thankful I have family that can watch him when he’s sick. I’m glad he had fun and didn’t really miss me at all. I’m glad he ate his weight in Craisins and spent three hours playing with the dog crate. (open, shut, open, shut)

Work today – it’s going to be rough. I really haven’t slept in three nights. He’s overtired and fussy at night. Plus the sores in his mouth hurt and he wants to nurse a lot. I think the milk is soothing to his sores and probably helps them heal. It’s like every twenty minutes though. EXHAUSTING!

This child will be healthy as a horse once he starts school. I’m pretty sure he has caught every communicable disease possible at this point. With the amount of breastmilk that the kid downs you would think he’d be sick less often. Maybe his friends at day care are just extra germy? I don’t know.

I do know that I am over my 40 something, childless, unmarried coworker who has type 2 diabetes and is out sick with colds every month who offers me unsolicited parenting advice and homeopathic remedies that worked for her or her godson. As my dad would say – that’s like taking marriage advice from a priest.

So this weekend – lets pray for no sickies. We have a beach weekend planned to celebrate my niece’s 13th birthday.

You’ll find me napping under an umbrella while my family chases after the Jellybean.

This momma needs her sleep!

This post is linked up with Shell as part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Conversations with Jellybean - Stop Growing Up Kid

Hey Jellybean, We need to talk...

What's up Mom?
Well, I need you to do something...

 Umm, I do stuff all the time Mom. I mean I run, I dance, I throw tantrums...

I know kiddo, I know but this one's really important buddy.

What is it Mom? You can tell me!

Well sweet Jellybean..

Mommy really needs you to
 just quit growing up already. Because it makes her cry.

 No can do Mom, but I'll always be your baby, right?

Yes, Jellybean, you will always be my baby even when you're bigger than me and too cool for kisses.
But for now - can you slow it down a little - please?

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Giving it Time

I have written before about how sad I was about drifting apart from my best friend.

No really I have. I did a guest post here and I've made references to it other places too.

It really bothered me but there was no way I could force the issue. We had reached a point in our lives that we were in completely different places. She couldn't relate to me and while I had been where she was I couldn't commiserate anymore. I wasn't dating, going out at night or anything remotely close. In the past two years I've either been pregnant or adjusting to a new baby. That is hard to relate to when you are single, childless and carefree.

So I just gave it time. We still communicated here and there on Facebook and with texts but no deep heartfelt conversations.

Lately though I noticed the tides shifting. She was responding more and reaching out to me.

So I started working on hatching a crazy plan that would get us together again. (She lives in Ohio.) I have a HUGE trade show I have to attend every year for work. This year it is in New Orleans in June. With everything that Joey has going on along with his son being here in June it was going to be impossible to have him take care of Jellybean too. (Also, I really didn't want to leave my baby boy for a week.) I tossed around the idea that either my sister or my parents could come with me but then the best option revealed itself to me. You see the bestie is a teacher. She works with autistic and special needs children. Her last day of work is the day I fly to New Orleans.

So I asked her if she'd like to fly down and join me. She could watch Jellybean while I am working and then we can spend the rest of the time together catching up in a really cool city. I let her know that Jellybean actually is a really good kid. (He really does listen well. He knows how to put toys back where he got them already. He knows what No, Down, and Come Back mean. He is still a toddler of course but overall a good one.) She assured me that a few hours with Jellybean would be a walk in the park compared to average work day where she gets hit regularly, death threats and things thrown at her. So of course - she would love to come be my "nanny" and then my bestie. Its really a win-win for all of us involved including my work. I'm going to run it by my boss but I've been quite candid about everything that is going on with Joey so I expect them to be understanding about this too.

I'm glad that our relationship has gotten to a point where we can connect again. That enough time has passed to allow our paths to run parallel again. I can't wait to spend a week with her and get to know each other all over again. This work trip is going to be the best working vacation I've ever taken!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Rock Bottom

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."
~ Mother Teresa

If life has taught me one thing it is that plans change.

Last week's PYHO post was hard. This one isn't much easier but it at least has hope within it. After last week's post Sara asked me if Joey had hit his rock bottom yet. I didn't know the answer to that at the time. Given his past I wasn't sure if he had a rock bottom.

Now I know he does. Yesterday at 10:42am he called me at work.

He was sobbing uncontrollably. I literally could not understand a word he was saying. Mind you we had just hashed it out again yesterday morning and I had flat out said I'd be more than happy to divorce.

Finally through his sobs I understood "Can't stop the pain pills."  "I need help."

So I did the only thing I could. I told him I was on my way home. I needed to pick up Jellybean and then we would be home to figure things out.

On my way home he also got a call from his probation officer letting him know that the judge had issued a warrant for his violation of probation. Luckily its Bike Week here so apparently they will be too busy to come get him for a few days. I have a call in to her to make sure he can just bond out immediately if he goes to turn himself in. If that is the case we will take care of it after work today.

Back to yesterday though - To be honest. I didn't want to go help him at first. I was MAD. And thinking why in the world should I help you? The more mature part of me won out though. It said that when someone, anyone calls out to you broken and needing help - you do it. Despite all my anger, I do still love him and want what's best for him. The fact that he turned to me first for the help rather than his mom or other family speaks volumes too. Last night he said that he knew I was the only one that could handle this and get him the help that he needs.

So we got home, I fed the Jellybean lunch. And started making phone calls. I contacted 8 or 9 different agencies. We made an appointment with one but decided to swing by another instead. The center we went by is one of the best in the state. When we say Intensive Outpatient they aren't joking 3 hour sessions, 3 times a week with individual and family counseling on top of that. Luckily - covered by our insurance. And they just so happened to have an appointment available when we showed up to do his access interview. So I left him there to take care of things and took Jellybean to the park to play.

This was his thing to do. And it wasn't going to be easy.

After his intake assessment we needed to go back to his psychiatrist to get back on medication. He can't do the IOP program while going through withdrawals so it was a necessary evil. He had to admit to the doctor though that he had fallen off the track and needed help. Going back there may have been the best thing that ever happened though. Over the past five years I have been telling Joey constantly that I think there is something else going on there. I wasn't a medical professional so I couldn't diagnose whether it was anxiety, depression, bipolar or something else. I just knew that something wasn't right.

He of course wrote me off.

Yesterday was different. He went back to talk to the doctor and a short while later came back and said the doctor wanted to talk to me. I had been wanting to meet with the man ever since Joey started going there. I couldn't just force myself in for a sit down though so I'd been biding my time. The doctor asked very pointed questions regarding his moods, sleep, family factors and all the other influences that play a role in mental health. We all agreed that he needed some sort of mood stabilizer. What impressed me was Joey saying himself that his moods are all over the place and he doesn't feel in control of them.He didn't get upset as we were being candid with the doctor and I offered glimpses of our personal lives and where I felt the issues were. Instead he owned them and agreed.

Most importantly though - the doctor reiterated exactly what I'd preached for a long time. He needs to learn coping techniques. Ways to control the impulses and be in control. Serious life changes. In addition to the IOP rehab he will be continuing to work with his psychiatrist. Most substance abuse patients have an underlying mental health issue that needs to be addressed. Sometimes the mental health issue comes first and that's why they abuse and other times the abuse leads to the mental health issue. In this case it seems to be the former rather than the latter.

So he has a plan. A multifaceted plan with many people working with him to help. There is medication which he needs to function and then counseling so he can learn to be a responsible man. There aren't any guarantees that come with it though. Ultimately he will either be his own greatest hero or greatest enemy. Time will only tell.

In these past few months God has definitely tested my strength time and again. I know I have passed.

I also know after all this - Jellybean's teen age years should be a walk in the park!

So for now I'm going to sit, watch and wait to see what happens. I've got til September anyway...

This post is linked up with Shell as part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

When Life Sucks

So - I don't know if my parents will be moving in or not. The mom seems pretty resistant. So now I'm considering a roommate. Maybe another single mom that would understand what its like if I can find one. I don't have much faith in anything changing with the hubby and I'm ready to take control of things and be proactive. So this week I'll be working on cleaning out Jellybean's "room" (i.e. where we keep his toys) and repainting it so that I can move someone in there. Then I can put all his stuff in the other bedroom after I replace the carpet in there and repaint.

So - when everything sucks its nice to just be able to look at this face -
and know that all the stress and the headaches are so worth it. 

When he runs up and gives me a BIG hug or a 5 minute kiss - I know I'm doing SOMETHING right.

When the tax return will be enough to cover filing for a divorce - it might not just be a coincidence. Even though Joey thinks that it will never come to that. He like to throw the word around as if its a threat and will scare me. He doesn't get that I'm already there. Planning. Ready.

Today though, its one of those sucky days. I have a migraine. My eye hurts. I'm stressed and can't believe its only Tuesday.

One day at a time -that's how I'm getting through this. 

Monday, March 12, 2012

FU Daylight Savings Time!

I preached my love to daylight savings time yesterday morning. I woke up a little after 8 and the Jellybean was snuggled up beside me peacefully sleeping. (Yes, he does end up in bed with me every night. He's such a  good snuggler that I don't mind at all.)

I snuck out of bed and into the kitchen. I had made pancake batter the night before so I took to getting breakfast ready before the Jellybean woke up ravenous. I managed to make all the pancakes and then moved on to folding laundry. It was glorious and amazing. This was how it use to be before the Jellybean decided to start waking up at 6am every Sunday morning.

You read that correctly 6 AM.

Only on Sundays.

Which conveniently has him going down for a nap right before the 9am Sunday Service and sleeping halfway through the 10:30am service. The kid like to play hooky from church already.

So the Jellybean woke up a little after 9. I thought we had made it through the time change unscathed. We played all day. I got him down for a nap around 1 and ran out to do some errands while he napped and his Dad watched him.

Played some more and then it was dinner and bath time. He cried through his bath because he was SOOO tired. So at 7pm we laid down and he passed out almost immediately.

Then at 8pm he was WIDE AWAKE.

Apparently daylight savings time made him think that was a nap.

After that he was up until 11:30pm. I tried EVERYTHING too. We went for a drive, we played, we nursed, we read books. The kid sat through an entire episode of The BackYardigans. Joey tried laying down with him. I laid down with him.

Then I cried - because I was tired. And I needed a shower. I needed to finish cleaning up the kitchen and to fix my lunch for today.

Finally at 11pm I had to stick him in his crib and just let him fuss it out.

Because Mommy needed her sleep too.

Jellybean was in a GREAT mood this morning.

I was late to work. I'm drinking coffee by the gallon and I had a Zone bar as my breakfast.

FU Daylight Savings Time. FU!

Friday, March 9, 2012

Why I Finally Spilled the Beans -

So I know my post on Wednesday was a doozy. I didn't come out and say what was going on for a long time but I'm sure many of you picked up on the fact that things just weren't right from my other posts.

Why did I finally say something?

Because I had no reason not to.

I haven't done anything I need to be ashamed of or hide.

I'm not alone (and neither are you if you're going through this too!)

Actually? I'm damn proud of the strength I've shown persevering through this and the fact that I know I'm at a point where decisions need to be made.

Currently - my plan is to divorce. I don't have much faith in rehab for him because we've been down that road before and I don't see any reason why this time would be different. I just have a feeling that he will go in, tell the counselors what they want to hear and play the part for three months so he can complete the program and go back to doing what he wants. I have spent so much money on doctors and treatment up to this point that I'm not willing to throw more of it away. I'd rather work on digging myself out of debt and then putting money aside for Jellybean.

I actually was planning on filing for divorce before Jellybean was even born. Right after New Years in 2011. Then Jellybean came early and I had to focus on that. Now though? I don't want him forming an even stronger bond with someone he can't count on. I can stay "married" until September to get around the IRS situation without enabling or putting myself in a situation I don't want to be in. Just because we are married on paper doesn't mean we physically need to be together. Not that we have "physically" been together in a very long time...

So this weekend - my parents and I are going to sit down and talk. Figure out how best to work this out so all of us are happy and sane. I know having them move in with me will be the best option for me financially and emotionally. It will mean that I will have support where I need it. I know that they will give me a set amount of money every week and not fabricate excuses as to why its not as much this week. I know there will be help with the chores, dinners and Jellybean.

Its going to be hard. I'm giving up part of my independence by having them move in. We're going to be cramped and stepping on each others toes for awhile. I know we are going to have to make some changes in the house to have enough room for all of us. I'll need to close in the back porch and possibly finish the attic. That's all bearable though and its what's best for all of us.

I'll be helping my parents save money too. Jellybean will have a close relationship with his grandparents. I'll be able to live again.

This won't be an ending, it'll be a beginning, I'll find someone else again. I'll make better choices. Protect my heart (and my wallet).

So really, honestly? I'm okay. I'm happy and I'm making plans. I don't have faith anything is going to change with him but I have to plan this out logically and rationally rather than being impulsive.

If you're going through a similar situation - you can change things too and you're going to be ok!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

More Fun with Toddlers

If you missed my first installment of Fun with Toddlers you can check it out here.

So although cereal can be fun to play with the Jellybean has a 15 minute attention span at the most so we need more than just cereal to keep him occupied. That's when these next few items come in handy. Any of you with a toddler know that the baby wipes are the most fascinating thing in the world to them. That is evidenced through the fact that they can pull all the wipes out in under 30 seconds. (There's another $3.00 down the drain!)

One day, as I was working on the no sew fleece blanket it took me two months to finish, inspiration struck me. I had a bunch of left over fabric pieces from the corner's I had to cut off for the blanket and an empty rubber glove box from the C-diff incident of 2012. I placed the pieces of fabric in the container and handed it off to the Jellybean.

Fabric Square
 Glove box
 Lazy toddler
 Mom, I'll just lay here and you hand me toys to play with. Ok?
 No one is yelling at me for pulling all these out? SAWEET!
Let me see if there's anymore in here...
A toy that I'm supposed to make a mess with? I have the BEST mom EVER!

  Let's do it again, Mom!

That really is the best part of this toy. After he pulls them all out we just stuff all the pieces back in and go again. If you don't have fabric squares - use some wash cloths, post it notes, business cards! The thrill is in pulling stuff out and putting it back in.

I also have a variation on this using one of those hard plastic travel wipe containers. When we go out to eat I fill it with Sugar packets and other things that are right there on the table and let him go crazy with it. It's not like he is ready for the crayons and coloring on the kids menu yet. Unless they consider crayons an appetizer!

So total cost for this activity - $0.00. The blanket on clearance was $6.00 but I would have tossed those fabric scraps away anyhow.

Have you found any fun and inexpensive activities to do with your toddler lately?

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

PYHO - Should I Stay or Should I Go?

So remember this post?

Yeah, that was a hard one to write.

I didn’t even tell you the whole story in that post either.

Now that things have come to a head again I am ready to.

Back in July, Joey made a HUGE mistake. HUGE. We were having a disagreement and he got physical with me.

I called the cops and had him arrested.

It took me a month to come back home after that. I stayed with my sister and made occasional visits while he was sorting through all the legalities and getting some help.

We did counseling and he was continuing his drug treatment. He was also on probation with all sorts of stipulations attached. I had to deal with all the DCF checks and intervention.

Our marriage was really broken and he knew it. There is a lot I am willing to overlook but physical violence isn’t one of those things. Ever since then he has known he is on a timeline to actually effect some change. He has until this September or I have to cut him loose and start over.

After 5 years together and going through this cycle repeatedly I knew the instant he had relapsed. I see the signs way before he does. Yet he kept lying to me and insisting he wasn’t doing anything. Even though he was gone all the time, not helping when he was home, not giving me nearly enough of his pay check and being a moody, irrational and impulsive asshole.

Except this time I didn’t care and I wasn’t going to save him.

When we went to the concert last week he got upset because I wouldn’t buy him a beer at the concert. I’m not paying $6 for a beer. None of us were drinking and he was already messed up. I guess he decided to walk over to the store and buy one. Then drink it in public. Where he got a ticket for doing it.

Violation of Probation #1.

Then his officer called him and told him he needed to come in yesterday. Because he had failed a drug test.

Violation #2.

I should be upset but this may be the best thing for him. He may be going to jail or he may be starting an INTENSIVE Outpatient rehab program. At the facility I originally wanted him to go to. Except he knew better and had to do it his way. I have a message in to the officer to see what the options are and how it will work. I know the issue here is his addiction and that he needs EXTENSIVE help to get past it. Help I can’t give and won’t. He flat out said he wanted to get caught and I guess he figures the only way he will actually change is if he is court ordered to attend.

I still don’t know what all this means. It may kill us financially again – just as I was starting to dig us out. I have already told my parents they may need to move in to help me out.

I also still don’t know if I want to stay in this marriage or not. Right now I’m in survival mode and doing what I have to in order to keep things together and take care of Jellybean. Right now, financially I need to stay in it just for his pay check and the fact that we need to stay together in our house until September to keep from having to pay the IRS back $4,000 I don’t have. I know that’s a lame reason to stay but given the way the economy is right now I’m sure I’m not the only one doing that.

I love the man that I knew at one point in time. I don’t love who he is now. I don’t trust him at all. I really don’t like him either. I don’t know if that can be changed. When I picture life without him it isn’t devastating to me anymore.

I started living life again and reclaiming the woman I used to be and I like her. I don’t know if I can be her and be with him.

So for now I’m keeping what’s most important in mind – Jellybean. Taking care of him. Figuring out the next steps and knowing that by September I’ll have to make a choice.

Now you see why my posting has been sporadic. I’ve essentially been a single mom for the past year.

Which means I know I can do this.

One way or another.

This post is linked up with Shell as part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Quit Following Me Already!

See my title up there? If you are actually still reading this I'm truly surprised! I'm amazed anyone still follows my blog.

I suck at this.

This past week I sucked because once again I had to focus on that whole J-O-B thingy that pays the bills.


Why can't they pay me to blog? I'm AWESOME at that. You know when I have the time to do it.

I defintely don't get to blog once I'm home.

Because I'm dealing with this kid -

Oh the bruises and cuts on his head? Let's see one is from the fight he got into over a toy on Tuesday. Then on Thursday he decided to run into a table at 50mph at day care. He's no longer allowed to wear socks at day care and I'm pretty sure they slap a helmet on him as soon as I walk out the door too.
So - work sucked because I was dealing with a sales meeting again. I failed to mention that our sales meeting happens TWICE a year. TWICE a year we are all stuck in a room together for two days. 8 hours a day. Eating way too many desserts and then talking about many projects that will probably never come to fruition.
I finally managed to kill a project I have been working on for a year that was DOOMED to fail. Seriously - it was going nowhere fast and I was wasting time working on it. I totally rocked at all the reasons it shouldn't happen!

I also had a busy week outside of work. On Tuesday I met up with some other mom's for a nighttime meeting of a breastfeeding support group. It was supposed to be an hour long and I think I left after just under 3 hours.  That was pretty much the first time I just hung out with other mom's since Jellybean was born. I enjoyed every second of it. We are getting together agin tomorrow night and I can't wait!

Then Wednesday we were celebrating my sister's birthday at my parents house. She took me and Joey to go see the Zac Brown Band. Odd, I know that she was taking us out to a concert for her birthday but a friend cancelled on her so she had extra tickets. Lucky me. It was my first time leaving Jellybean for an evening. I was a nervous wreck. He on the other hand was fine. He had a blast with my parents and his cousins and slept like a rock.

In addition to all that I was taking Jellybean to the chiropractor to help with his ear infections. I was skeptical of it working but desparate to avoid tubes or more antibiotics. I'm now a convert and I honestly think it worked!

After all that I needed to relax. I was also dealing with yet another doozy of a F#@$ up from the hubby. That's a story for another day though.

So I spent the weekend playing with my Jellybean. I took a long nap with him this morning. Went to the park twice. Cooked an amazing dinner.

I feel refreshed. Ready.

I'm going to spend this week going through the 956 posts I have unread in Google Reader. (or maybe 50 of them.)

And hopefully - I'll post here once or twice too!


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