So I know my post on Wednesday was a doozy. I didn't come out and say what was going on for a long time but I'm sure many of you picked up on the fact that things just weren't right from my other posts.
Why did I finally say something?
Because I had no reason not to.
I haven't done anything I need to be ashamed of or hide.
I'm not alone (and neither are you if you're going through this too!)
Actually? I'm damn proud of the strength I've shown persevering through this and the fact that I know I'm at a point where decisions need to be made.
Currently - my plan is to divorce. I don't have much faith in rehab for him because we've been down that road before and I don't see any reason why this time would be different. I just have a feeling that he will go in, tell the counselors what they want to hear and play the part for three months so he can complete the program and go back to doing what he wants. I have spent so much money on doctors and treatment up to this point that I'm not willing to throw more of it away. I'd rather work on digging myself out of debt and then putting money aside for Jellybean.
I actually was planning on filing for divorce before Jellybean was even born. Right after New Years in 2011. Then Jellybean came early and I had to focus on that. Now though? I don't want him forming an even stronger bond with someone he can't count on. I can stay "married" until September to get around the IRS situation without enabling or putting myself in a situation I don't want to be in. Just because we are married on paper doesn't mean we physically need to be together. Not that we have "physically" been together in a very long time...
So this weekend - my parents and I are going to sit down and talk. Figure out how best to work this out so all of us are happy and sane. I know having them move in with me will be the best option for me financially and emotionally. It will mean that I will have support where I need it. I know that they will give me a set amount of money every week and not fabricate excuses as to why its not as much this week. I know there will be help with the chores, dinners and Jellybean.
Its going to be hard. I'm giving up part of my independence by having them move in. We're going to be cramped and stepping on each others toes for awhile. I know we are going to have to make some changes in the house to have enough room for all of us. I'll need to close in the back porch and possibly finish the attic. That's all bearable though and its what's best for all of us.
I'll be helping my parents save money too. Jellybean will have a close relationship with his grandparents. I'll be able to live again.
This won't be an ending, it'll be a beginning, I'll find someone else again. I'll make better choices. Protect my heart (and my wallet).
So really, honestly? I'm okay. I'm happy and I'm making plans. I don't have faith anything is going to change with him but I have to plan this out logically and rationally rather than being impulsive.
If you're going through a similar situation - you can change things too and you're going to be ok!