Friday, February 25, 2011

Still alive

Just a quick post to say I am in fact still alive. My internet at home has been sketchy at best and all my darn neighbors connections are password protected. I took this to mean I needed to focus on Jellybean and not my blog! Jellybean and I also went and spent some time at my sister's house. It was great for both of us. He was loved on nonstop by his aunt, uncle and cousins and I caught up on some precious sleep! He continues to gain weight like a champ and is off formula completely now. We figured out his gassiness was a sensitivity to it and since I feed him on demand he was getting plenty of calories from the breastmilk alone. He is now 8 weeks old and over 7 lbs! He is also going through a growth spurt and showing some major 'tude! I know he's my kid for sure now! :) I will try to resurface more often. I am reading blogs here and there too. For now...there's a baby to snuggle!(PS...I typed all of this one handed since someone fell asleep nursing and I dare not move him!) Now some pics to tide you over!


Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Life is a gas!

Yes - its been almost a week since I posted last. No I'm not apologizing anymore. It is just part of the new mommy territory. I have a chance to write now as the Jellybean just nursed and is passed out next to me. That is quite an achievement after the past week.

The little guy has been dealing with some major gas issues which has made all of us miserable. We've been doing burping, bicycling, gas drops and everything else imaginable but the thing that he has wanted most is to just be held. Constantly. It was the instant fix for him but made it difficult to get anything done at all. Mercifully he seems to be feeling better today but it was a long and exhausting week.

Joey and I were at each others throats during that time too. Lack of sleep will do that to you. I think I went over the edge when he decided to go fishing Saturday morning. You know after I handled ALL the nighttime feedings all week since he has to get up for work at 5am and then I take care of Jellybean all day long too. I really wanted the chance to sleep in or take a nap. Possibly a bath. I needed an hour to just be Diana - not mommy or wifey. It wasn't pretty at all. In fact it may have resembled this -
Boy did he get the point quickly after that! For some reason he has no problem taking on some of the feeding, housework, calming duties now! Must have been something I said! :)

Otherwise I am slowly starting to come to terms with the fact that I will indeed have to return to work. It doesn't thrill me but life doesn't always make you happy. We are trying to figure out a way to let me be a SAHM eventually but for now I need to stay the course. I am going to take pride in the fact that I am providing for my family and try to stay positive.

I know that if it is meant to be God will find a way to let me stay home but that it will be on his schedule - not mine. Until then, I'm going to treasure the time we have together at home and feel blessed that I do have as much time as I do. I know there are Mom's out there who don't get 12 weeks with their babe. I'm looking for telecommuting marketing positions in the meantime and hopefully one will pop up that would work for us before I go back.

Finally - my apologies for the lack of direction in this post. Someone has been eating every hour so I sleep an hour at a time. I have a ton of blog posts in my head and may get them written out one of these days.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

PYHO - I Can't Do It

Last week on PYHO, Shell wrote about mom guilt. She was feeling guilty about not feeling guilty for going to blissdom and spending four days away from her boys. You know four days of "freedom".

I've been thinking about it ever since and I decided I have a distictly different problem. You see Shell is lucky enough to be a SAHM to her boys so her four days off - well deserved. Meanwhile, I am having MASSIVE Mom guilt over the very idea of going back to work. I cry every time I have to think about it.In fact I have come to the conclusion - I just can't do it. What sent me over the edge? An email letting me know I have to attend a trade show in June. For 6 days. IN CALIFORNIA. You know the opposite end of the country! There is no fricken way I can leave my Jellybean for that long.

So it's decided. I want to be a stay-at-home mom.  I want to spend my time with Jellybean, doing Jellybean things. Trips to Mommy and Me, the park, story time, mom's club. Long naps and warm snuggles. I don't want to drop him off at daycare (which is 5 minutes from my work and the girls are fabulous) to have someone else comfort him and raise him. That is MY JOB. I hate to think that I won't be there to nuzzle him on my chest when he is upset and only wants his Mommy.

It just doesn't seem fair that so many Mom's today don't get to raise their kids. Before Jellybean, my "career" was very important to me. I wanted promotions, recognition, challenges - all of it. I took pride in what I had accomplished so far and dreamed of one day running it all. After a month with Jellybean though - I dread even the mention of going back to work. I mean I have a job here already. It's called being a Mom - fulltime - 24/7/365 - no vacations, raises or promotions. I work hard at it too. Like yesterday when Jellybean just wanted to nurse all day. I just don't see his daycare being able to accommodate that. It just made me realize how important this new "job" is to me.

So, when I get an email telling me that I'm expected to travel 3,000 miles away from my baby for a week - it brings a harsh reality crashing down around me. Because I can't be a stay at home mom. The mortgage payment that just increased again would be one reason why. Then there's that health insurance that we get through my work. Oh and those car payments, credit card payments and student loans. For some reason all of these people want to get paid. I don't understand it but the hardest and most demanding job ever - doesn't come with a paycheck. Even though it should.

Aside from Jellybean's partying all night incident, we have all enjoyed having me at home. The house stays clean. Dinner is usually ready or at least planned out. Jellybean is happy - he's being held, read to, loved on. He can get snuggled on demand. And once we get released from lock down - there is so much more we could be doing - IF I was at home.

That isn't going to happen though. I have to work so Jellybean has clothes to wear, food to eat and a home to live in. That doesn't mean I'm not going to keep trying to find a way to stay home. So far the lottery is looking like my best option. I mean I did win $4 on a scratch off last week - that's a start right?  I dream of calling my boss and saying I won't be back - we found a way.  Of knowing that my days will be full of diaper changes and feedings instead of cheesecake tastings and meetings. So until that day comes that I have to drop the Jellybean off while I cry inconsolable tears - you'll find me entering obscure sweepstakes and searching for a telecommuting marketing manager position. Because as my title says - I can't do it - but I may have to.

Now if you'll excuse me - someone  is looking for my boob.

Shell over at Things I Can't Say hosts - Pour Your Heart Out. It is a place to just get whatever is weighing on your heart out. Please be kind to all of the posters.


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