Last week on PYHO, Shell wrote about mom guilt. She was feeling guilty about not feeling guilty for going to blissdom and spending four days away from her boys. You know four days of "freedom".
I've been thinking about it ever since and I decided I have a distictly different problem. You see Shell is lucky enough to be a SAHM to her boys so her four days off - well deserved. Meanwhile, I am having MASSIVE Mom guilt over the very idea of going back to work. I cry every time I have to think about it.In fact I have come to the conclusion - I just can't do it. What sent me over the edge? An email letting me know I have to attend a trade show in June. For 6 days. IN CALIFORNIA. You know the opposite end of the country! There is no fricken way I can leave my Jellybean for that long.
So it's decided. I want to be a stay-at-home mom. I want to spend my time with Jellybean, doing Jellybean things. Trips to Mommy and Me, the park, story time, mom's club. Long naps and warm snuggles. I don't want to drop him off at daycare (which is 5 minutes from my work and the girls are fabulous) to have someone else comfort him and raise him. That is MY JOB. I hate to think that I won't be there to nuzzle him on my chest when he is upset and only wants his Mommy.
It just doesn't seem fair that so many Mom's today don't get to raise their kids. Before Jellybean, my "career" was very important to me. I wanted promotions, recognition, challenges - all of it. I took pride in what I had accomplished so far and dreamed of one day running it all. After a month with Jellybean though - I dread even the mention of going back to work. I mean I have a job here already. It's called being a Mom - fulltime - 24/7/365 - no vacations, raises or promotions. I work hard at it too. Like yesterday when Jellybean just wanted to nurse all day. I just don't see his daycare being able to accommodate that. It just made me realize how important this new "job" is to me.
So, when I get an email telling me that I'm expected to travel 3,000 miles away from my baby for a week - it brings a harsh reality crashing down around me. Because I can't be a stay at home mom. The mortgage payment that just increased again would be one reason why. Then there's that health insurance that we get through my work. Oh and those car payments, credit card payments and student loans. For some reason all of these people want to get paid. I don't understand it but the hardest and most demanding job ever - doesn't come with a paycheck. Even though it should.
Aside from Jellybean's partying all night incident, we have all enjoyed having me at home. The house stays clean. Dinner is usually ready or at least planned out. Jellybean is happy - he's being held, read to, loved on. He can get snuggled on demand. And once we get released from lock down - there is so much more we could be doing - IF I was at home.
That isn't going to happen though. I have to work so Jellybean has clothes to wear, food to eat and a home to live in. That doesn't mean I'm not going to keep trying to find a way to stay home. So far the lottery is looking like my best option. I mean I did win $4 on a scratch off last week - that's a start right? I dream of calling my boss and saying I won't be back - we found a way. Of knowing that my days will be full of diaper changes and feedings instead of cheesecake tastings and meetings. So until that day comes that I have to drop the Jellybean off while I cry inconsolable tears - you'll find me entering obscure sweepstakes and searching for a telecommuting marketing manager position. Because as my title says - I can't do it - but I may have to.
Now if you'll excuse me - someone is looking for my boob.
Shell over at Things I Can't Say hosts - Pour Your Heart Out. It is a place to just get whatever is weighing on your heart out. Please be kind to all of the posters.