Wednesday, February 2, 2011

PYHO - I Can't Do It

Last week on PYHO, Shell wrote about mom guilt. She was feeling guilty about not feeling guilty for going to blissdom and spending four days away from her boys. You know four days of "freedom".

I've been thinking about it ever since and I decided I have a distictly different problem. You see Shell is lucky enough to be a SAHM to her boys so her four days off - well deserved. Meanwhile, I am having MASSIVE Mom guilt over the very idea of going back to work. I cry every time I have to think about it.In fact I have come to the conclusion - I just can't do it. What sent me over the edge? An email letting me know I have to attend a trade show in June. For 6 days. IN CALIFORNIA. You know the opposite end of the country! There is no fricken way I can leave my Jellybean for that long.

So it's decided. I want to be a stay-at-home mom.  I want to spend my time with Jellybean, doing Jellybean things. Trips to Mommy and Me, the park, story time, mom's club. Long naps and warm snuggles. I don't want to drop him off at daycare (which is 5 minutes from my work and the girls are fabulous) to have someone else comfort him and raise him. That is MY JOB. I hate to think that I won't be there to nuzzle him on my chest when he is upset and only wants his Mommy.

It just doesn't seem fair that so many Mom's today don't get to raise their kids. Before Jellybean, my "career" was very important to me. I wanted promotions, recognition, challenges - all of it. I took pride in what I had accomplished so far and dreamed of one day running it all. After a month with Jellybean though - I dread even the mention of going back to work. I mean I have a job here already. It's called being a Mom - fulltime - 24/7/365 - no vacations, raises or promotions. I work hard at it too. Like yesterday when Jellybean just wanted to nurse all day. I just don't see his daycare being able to accommodate that. It just made me realize how important this new "job" is to me.

So, when I get an email telling me that I'm expected to travel 3,000 miles away from my baby for a week - it brings a harsh reality crashing down around me. Because I can't be a stay at home mom. The mortgage payment that just increased again would be one reason why. Then there's that health insurance that we get through my work. Oh and those car payments, credit card payments and student loans. For some reason all of these people want to get paid. I don't understand it but the hardest and most demanding job ever - doesn't come with a paycheck. Even though it should.

Aside from Jellybean's partying all night incident, we have all enjoyed having me at home. The house stays clean. Dinner is usually ready or at least planned out. Jellybean is happy - he's being held, read to, loved on. He can get snuggled on demand. And once we get released from lock down - there is so much more we could be doing - IF I was at home.

That isn't going to happen though. I have to work so Jellybean has clothes to wear, food to eat and a home to live in. That doesn't mean I'm not going to keep trying to find a way to stay home. So far the lottery is looking like my best option. I mean I did win $4 on a scratch off last week - that's a start right?  I dream of calling my boss and saying I won't be back - we found a way.  Of knowing that my days will be full of diaper changes and feedings instead of cheesecake tastings and meetings. So until that day comes that I have to drop the Jellybean off while I cry inconsolable tears - you'll find me entering obscure sweepstakes and searching for a telecommuting marketing manager position. Because as my title says - I can't do it - but I may have to.

Now if you'll excuse me - someone  is looking for my boob.

Shell over at Things I Can't Say hosts - Pour Your Heart Out. It is a place to just get whatever is weighing on your heart out. Please be kind to all of the posters.


Kakunaa said...

I absolutely fear this as well. I think I will hate it one day, and then, the next, I worry that going back will kill me when the time comes. But I am in the same boat. No way to NOT work. Benefits are through me, too many bills to make it work. Sigh. I am so sorry sweetie.

Shell said...

I hope that you can either find a way to stay home or to make peace with going back to work.

I stay home, though I do work from home now. But, we definitely don't have any extras b/c of it. And sometimes, we don't have anything for what we HAVE to pay and we are deciding which bill can be put off for another month.

I think it's hard, no matter what choice you make.

Elizabeth Flora Ross said...

I can so relate to this! I fully expected to return to work after my daughter was born, but was not prepared for how I felt when that time loomed. It literally made me sick to my stomach to even think about leaving her. I was fortunate, we determined we could afford for me to stay home. It's tight, but we are making it. I'm sorry you are having to go through this, but know you are not alone. There are lots of moms in your position. Hopefully you can connect with them and support each other. Hang in there! Most importantly, know that you will all be OK. Change is never easy, but you will get through it intact. All of you.

Day 2 Day Living said...

I would love to stay home...but it's not possible. So I suck it up and come to work every day. Do my 8 hours and go home. I'm so greatful to have a Mon - Fri job.

purseblogger said...

I hear you girl. I wish you peace in figuring this out. xoxo

4timesblessed said...

I can relate and now as a SAHM I have had it both ways. Hugs

~Debra said...

I am so very sorry! I pray you can find peace in your decision!

We have been very blessed that I have been able to stay home with our kids. Besides a brief stink as a nanny when I was pregnant with our oldest & then later as a substitute teacher, I have been able to stay home since a month before we got married in early 1998. Even now that my kids are 11 & 9, I still stay home so that I can volunteer in many ways.

I sure wish everyone could be as blessed as we have! It hasn't always been easy but we've made it work.

Praying for you!

Tylaine said...

That is so hard Di!
I always planned on being a SAHM but had to back to work when Ethan was one and even then and knowing he was with his Daddy it was still hard. Thankfully it didn't last though.
Is there anyway you could manage to work at home sometimes? I hope you can find a way to work things out so that you can feel good about things.

MommaAmma said...

I've so been there! For over 6 years I've been there and shed many tears. But doing what you have to do for your family is admirable. And it's good you to miss each other a little. And maybe you'll get a super bad cold in June and can't go on the trip (wink wink). We make it work because we have to. And I firmly believe a child cared for and loved by many is a very good thing.

Nick and Kristi said...

Im not even in your shoes yet but someday will be writing a post very similar to this one...I 2 would love to stay home with Baby Hakes but financially its just not in the cards at this point:(((

I hate that everyone cant be a stay at home mommy at least for the 1st year

Renegades said...

I hope before you go back to work you can make peace with it.

platanosandmangoes said...

My heart goes out to you! I hope you will be able to find a way to do the job you're most passionate about!You're entire blog tugged at my heart!

Nicki said...

I know this is a tough time for you and I am certain that it will all work out somehow! I quit my job when my kids were 1 and 5 and it was THE WORST TIME IN THE WORLD TO QUIT MY JOB! We were behind in all payments, our house and truck were almost taken from us. But I got in a huge fight with the boss one day and realized that my kids needed me and I needed them. So I told her to go to hell and walked out that day. I was terrified to tell the hubbie I quit but when I did, he was very supportive. We learned that there was so much we could do without. Hell, I was using scissors to cut one paper towel into 4 for napkins. I used a half of a paper towel for a coffee filter. I cut open the toothpaste tube after it seemed to be empty and thought I struck gold when I saw that I had a few days worth left. I didn't buy lipstick that I wanted for a year because I needed diapers. I cut wipes in half. It seems pathetic to think about but I was home with my babies and it was working for me. We did struggle for a long time but we never gave up on our faith that God will provide. I hope you are able to find a way. I can't imagine how horrible it must be for you to plan for this trip!!! With the computer, so much is possible from home! Don't give up researching ideas!!


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