PYHO - Whiny Butt

Everyone knows that I love Jellybean more than life itself. He's an amazing kid. Cute, cuddly, smart as a whip, makes me laugh and gives the best kisses. I know how lucky I am to have him.

Time for some honesty though. Lately, he's been a pain. He's going through a whiny butt stage and everything is a huge ordeal.

He takes his socks off. And whines because he wants them on.

Points to a banana. I give it to him and he whines because he doesn't want it.

I put Elmo on after 237 requests for it and he whines.

I know its a stage. I know he is frustrated that he can't communicate what he wants effectively. He's tired after day care too.

Alone with him all week, pregnant and tired myself. I wish I could have some wine too. I haven't had an appetite, the house is a mess and I'm too tired to care.

Luckily whiny butt gave me extra sweet kisses this morning so maybe, just maybe his cute curls and the way he says momma makes the whininess bearable after all.

I hear that this is just a preview of the next three years or so though. If that's the case then this mommy is going to need to invest in some ear plugs and wine. :-)

Discovering Me - Again

One of the things I discovered about motherhood and working full time is that it can be very isolating.

Especially if you're like how I was with Jellybean for say the first 16 months or so and you are convinced that you need to spend every free moment with your child and everyone else is ill equipped to care for him.

I placed a lot of pressure on myself due to working mom guilt. And first time mom worry.

So by the time Jellybean was a year old I felt like I didn't have any friends and I was tired and frustrated of it.

I made a resolve to put myself out there to make friends. Other moms who understood and had similar philosophies.

(Notice I said similar - not identical. You're never going to find someone who believes everything you do or vice versa. The key is to agree or choose to mutually disagree on the big issues and move on.)

So initially I started with a breastfeeding support group. Since half the world seemed to think I was a freak for still nursing Jellybean after a year. (Or at 20 months now!) These ladies didn't. They knew it was normal. Then slowly as not to clutter the breastfeeding support group up with non breastfeeding related issues I started a moms group. We planned play dates, busy bag swaps, mall meetups.

Finally, I felt ready for a big step and I got Joey on board with it.

I was doing a Mom's Night Out. Joey agreed to watch Jellybean while I went out.

I put the post up and had instant responses in less than three minutes.

Apparently everyone felt the need to be more than just mom for a night.

Last Friday five of us gathered at a restaurant.

We ate dinner. In one sitting. Without having to tell someone NO! or retrieve thrown utensils and sippy cups.

I enjoyed a glass of Sangria with mine.

It was heaven.

We had uninterrupted conversation about life, marriage, kids, breastfeeding, careers, labor etc.

The ladies thanked me for being so willing to organize the night and all commented on how much they needed it.

Then we went to another venue and sat in the courtyard and listened to a band play. We went on a search for coffee and ended up upstairs in a bar which had an empty dance floor that we took over.

I thought I'd be home by 11. We rolled in around 1 am.

Jellybean and Joey sleeping peacefully in bed.

Jellybean didn't even notice I'd been gone.

Meanwhile the moms and I? We were refreshed. Relaxed. We all felt much closer after that night. Already planning our next time out. I figured out along the way that to make friends I had to be a friend. To not be afraid to put myself out there and see if anyone else had the same needs as I did. By asking I quickly found out that yes, they did.

This week one of the moms is coming over for dinner with her kids because her husband is working out of town this week too. On Saturday a bunch of us are going to be attending a baby and children's expo while taking shifts volunteering in the breastfeeding room and offering support to other moms.

Not everyone has been so welcoming or warm and fuzzy of course. There are those that complain but make no effort to come out with u and break the isolation. I know I was that person for a while myself but once I stopped flaking out on these things myself and started participating I realized it was filling a huge void I had created. I'm much happier because of it.

We don't all agree on everything. I'm the least crunchy of the group as I vaccinate, work full time outside the home, have hospital births and don't buy all organic food. No one condemns me for my choices and I don't condemn them either. We respect each other and that should be the core of every friendship I think.

So where am I going with this?

Well if you're a new mom or a semi new mom this is my advice to you. Get out of the house. Sometimes without your child. It took me twenty months to start doing that and being on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Find other moms. Your friendships with childless friends are going to change. They don't understand the sleepless nights or the fascination with each milestone. That' s okay. Other moms will though and sometimes you need reassurance that what you're doing is okay and right. Have someone who is willing to meet you at the McDonald's play area as your only source of adult interaction that day. I have moments where if I hear Elmo one more time I may scream. That's when we start texting and meet at the park.

You NEED that.

Occasionally - let someone else watch your kids. I had a hard time with that. Amazingly enough though, my husband, my sister and my parents are all perfectly capable of taking care of Jellybean. In fact all of them have taken care of kids and some have raised a few well into adulthood without too much lasting damage!

You are still a priority. Your child will be a happier child if his or her mom makes time for herself. If they have a mom who has s a friend that understands how annoying it is to have her other nipple treated as a pull toy during a nursing session - they may not get weaned when Mom feels touched out.

Cut yourself some slack and realize that being Supermom is a tall order and sometimes its not worth the title.

Occasionally its fine to just be plain old Mom who wants to finish a meal. Pee with the door shut or get to the bottom of a cup of coffee without reheating it twice.

FU Daylight Savings Time!

I preached my love to daylight savings time yesterday morning. I woke up a little after 8 and the Jellybean was snuggled up beside me peacefully sleeping. (Yes, he does end up in bed with me every night. He's such a  good snuggler that I don't mind at all.)

I snuck out of bed and into the kitchen. I had made pancake batter the night before so I took to getting breakfast ready before the Jellybean woke up ravenous. I managed to make all the pancakes and then moved on to folding laundry. It was glorious and amazing. This was how it use to be before the Jellybean decided to start waking up at 6am every Sunday morning.

You read that correctly 6 AM.

Only on Sundays.

Which conveniently has him going down for a nap right before the 9am Sunday Service and sleeping halfway through the 10:30am service. The kid like to play hooky from church already.

So the Jellybean woke up a little after 9. I thought we had made it through the time change unscathed. We played all day. I got him down for a nap around 1 and ran out to do some errands while he napped and his Dad watched him.

Played some more and then it was dinner and bath time. He cried through his bath because he was SOOO tired. So at 7pm we laid down and he passed out almost immediately.

Then at 8pm he was WIDE AWAKE.

Apparently daylight savings time made him think that was a nap.

After that he was up until 11:30pm. I tried EVERYTHING too. We went for a drive, we played, we nursed, we read books. The kid sat through an entire episode of The BackYardigans. Joey tried laying down with him. I laid down with him.

Then I cried - because I was tired. And I needed a shower. I needed to finish cleaning up the kitchen and to fix my lunch for today.

Finally at 11pm I had to stick him in his crib and just let him fuss it out.

Because Mommy needed her sleep too.

Jellybean was in a GREAT mood this morning.

I was late to work. I'm drinking coffee by the gallon and I had a Zone bar as my breakfast.

FU Daylight Savings Time. FU!

Why I Finally Spilled the Beans -

So I know my post on Wednesday was a doozy. I didn't come out and say what was going on for a long time but I'm sure many of you picked up on the fact that things just weren't right from my other posts.

Why did I finally say something?

Because I had no reason not to.

I haven't done anything I need to be ashamed of or hide.

I'm not alone (and neither are you if you're going through this too!)

Actually? I'm damn proud of the strength I've shown persevering through this and the fact that I know I'm at a point where decisions need to be made.

Currently - my plan is to divorce. I don't have much faith in rehab for him because we've been down that road before and I don't see any reason why this time would be different. I just have a feeling that he will go in, tell the counselors what they want to hear and play the part for three months so he can complete the program and go back to doing what he wants. I have spent so much money on doctors and treatment up to this point that I'm not willing to throw more of it away. I'd rather work on digging myself out of debt and then putting money aside for Jellybean.

I actually was planning on filing for divorce before Jellybean was even born. Right after New Years in 2011. Then Jellybean came early and I had to focus on that. Now though? I don't want him forming an even stronger bond with someone he can't count on. I can stay "married" until September to get around the IRS situation without enabling or putting myself in a situation I don't want to be in. Just because we are married on paper doesn't mean we physically need to be together. Not that we have "physically" been together in a very long time...

So this weekend - my parents and I are going to sit down and talk. Figure out how best to work this out so all of us are happy and sane. I know having them move in with me will be the best option for me financially and emotionally. It will mean that I will have support where I need it. I know that they will give me a set amount of money every week and not fabricate excuses as to why its not as much this week. I know there will be help with the chores, dinners and Jellybean.

Its going to be hard. I'm giving up part of my independence by having them move in. We're going to be cramped and stepping on each others toes for awhile. I know we are going to have to make some changes in the house to have enough room for all of us. I'll need to close in the back porch and possibly finish the attic. That's all bearable though and its what's best for all of us.

I'll be helping my parents save money too. Jellybean will have a close relationship with his grandparents. I'll be able to live again.

This won't be an ending, it'll be a beginning, I'll find someone else again. I'll make better choices. Protect my heart (and my wallet).

So really, honestly? I'm okay. I'm happy and I'm making plans. I don't have faith anything is going to change with him but I have to plan this out logically and rationally rather than being impulsive.

If you're going through a similar situation - you can change things too and you're going to be ok!

Ask The Expert

Apparently by virtue of having been pregnant, birthed a child and breastfed in the past two years I can now be considered an expert on all these subjects. I wasn't aware of this but it started at work.

Someone who use to work here came in - overdue and asked someone a breastfeeding question. She had no idea since she'd never done it. So I hear from down the hall -

"You better ask Diana."

"Is she STILL nursing?"

"I think so!"

Yes, Yes I am. Almost 14 months now. To the child who will never wean. He's a drive by nurser who thinks it's great fun to pull down my shirt and say "Na?". Makes for some awkward moments when we are out.

 A very sick Jellybean nursing while we were at the ER with C-diff.

That being said - I love it. I will always be a huge advocate for breastfeeding and hope everyone at least tries it. I know it's not for everyone and by no means does it "come naturally" or is it "easier" for everyone. We had our struggles too. It took him five weeks to learn to latch on really well, I had a massive oversupply, we had reflux and my child refused bottles and decided to reverse cycle. I also got to spend lots of time cuddling with him, can calm him down in an instant and have a great excuse why he can't go spend the night away from me yet. My greatest piece of advice when it comes to breastfeeding is to approach it with an open mind and tons of support. There are groups everywhere whose only goal is to help you through it from La Leche to birthing centers and hospitals - just look around and you will find the help you need. Anytime someone has a breastfeeding question though I am more than happy to answer it. One of the biggest benefits of breastfeeding though is the fact that it is free! I can't even imagine how much we would have spent on formula. My child ate every two hours for the first 7 months. You do the math!

One of my dearest friends (if long lost and sporadically contacting) Scott and his wife Krystal recently announced they were pregnant. Once the official announcement came out I quickly received a phone call from Scott with the what do I need to know questions. His biggest fear was diaper changes. (Ha! To that I say!)

My words of wisdom -

Our maternity shoot - where we thought we still had 8 weeks to go! Jellybean showed up three weeks later!

Pregnancy is the easy part. It's exciting and wondrous and new. Life is still easy while you are pregnant. I loved being pregnant. I loved having my little buddy kicking away during meetings at work. I liked imagining what he was going to look like. I would talk to him all the time. I didn't mind the exhaustion, swelling or even the C-section.

Jellybean and Daddy on his first night home. All 3lbs 13oz of him at 2 weeks!

Parenting though - that ROCKS your world. You learn as you go. There isn't a "right" way to do it. (Although there are definitely some questionable approaches.) What works for one family may not work for another.

One month in - that's the exhausted look...

You are going to fight - A LOT - more often. You are exhausted, overworked, sleep deprived, touched out, hormonal, emotional, overwhelmed, annoyed, happy, anxious, scared and probably hungry too. Because you tried heating your lunch up at noon and its now still in the microwave at 4pm and you haven't changed out of your PJ's which are probably covered in spit up, leaky breast milk and drool. Your hair looks like Marge's from the Simpsons and you are trying to remember the last time you took a shower.

Milk drunk

Then your baby smiles or falls asleep on your chest with a milk drunk sigh and suddenly you forget all that.

Joey and I use to cheer the Jellybean on as he would do pushups and we almost cried the first time he rolled over!

(I need to remember that since just last night I was contemplating renting an apartment far, far away from him. Gee, thanks for rinsing all the dishes that were in the sink and stacking them on the counter. That would be helpful if we had a dishwasher...which we don't! JUST WASH THE DAMN THINGS!!)

...getting back on track...

Parenting is hard and scary. You think you know what you are doing but you're new at it. You learn as you go along. I was at the pediatricians a lot at the beginning. Pretty sure they were going to offer me a parking spot and a frequent visitor punch card. Then somewhere along the way I could tell the difference from when he needed to go in or not. I can spot an ear infection immediately now. When he caught C-diff I knew at what point it was time for the ER. (Which Scott - diaper changes are nothing compared to being projectile vomited on and explosive diarrhea. Your gag reflux goes away pretty quickly then!)

You also need to figure out what works for you as a family. Jellybean is still in our bedroom even though I swore he’d be in his own room sleeping in a crib quickly while I was pregnant. Then I realized that working full time along with a baby that wakes frequently during the night makes it a battle of survival. So since he still wakes during the night his crib is in our room and there are many nights that he ends up in bed with me. He’s a snuggler.

It may not work for the next family but it does for us.

We delayed solids until 6 months. Then I did modified baby led weaning – a mix of purees and finger foods. That would freak some people out with the whole gag reflux/choking thing. Jellybean was a champ with it. He’s also part Hoover and inhales food most of the day. Someone else may decide to start cereal at four months and stick with purees for awhile. If it works for you do it.

I still haven’t introduced whole milk. The pediatrician doesn’t see a need to push it since he still nurses frequently. My milk is actually higher in fat then whole milk could be. Maybe I’ll do it around 15 months or 18. Most start at 12 months though.

There are many, many things we still struggle with though. I wish the hubby would pitch in more and help me. The sad reality is that the majority of the parenting and home management usually does fall on the woman. We are better multitaskers and we see everything that needs to get done.

Also – Dad’s find babies scary. They are these fragile blobs that can’t tell you what they need. Mom’s always seem to have it together and just know what the baby needs. We have OUR routine and OUR way of doing things so Dad always feels like he’s doing it wrong. Now that Jellybean is a toddler Joey is much more hands on then he was before. I know that if I leave the two of them together Jellybean will have way too many snacks and probably not eat a real meal but he will also have a blast playing out in the yard and giggling with Daddy.

Honestly though – I’m not an expert by any means. I still have my days where I doubt myself and wonder if I have any idea of what I am doing. I get scared, tired and overwhelmed. There are days where I hate my husband and sometimes during that same day I can look at my beautiful little boy and my husband together and I can’t wait to have another. I don’t have all the right answers. My kid may end up totally screwed up years down the road while I was doing what I thought was best. I know that I am trying my hardest though. I know being a Mom is the hardest thing I have ever done. I know that it is also the most gratifying and that I am thrilled that my friends are getting to experience it too. I know that I will always be there with advice when IT IS ASKED FOR!

And the rest of the time?

Don’t worry Mom and Dad – you’re doing a great job!

Get It Together

I thought that maybe I was exaggerating at times. That all kids were like this. I would say that I can’t get anything done because I have to watch Jellybean constantly. By the time he was ready to go to sleep so was I. I would drop from sheer exhaustion.

Then a friend came over.

With her 11 month old girl.

Who sat there calmly playing with one toy most of the time.

While Jellybean tore around the room like a Tasmanian Devil. Running from this toy to that and knocking poor Lily over half the time.

“Is he always like this?”

“Pretty much!”

He got a play kitchen for his birthday. Two days later he figured out that he could use the oven door as a step and climb on top of the kitchen set.

I witnessed the whole thing swaying underneath him as I plucked him off and placed him on solid ground.

The crazy child just laughed.

(Did you see that grey hair just grow in on my head? At 29? All Jellybean!)

Then my husband would claim to do chores which came out to I washed dishes and swept and mopped. Despite being home ALL DAY for the past month and a half. (Thank you Jesus – he went back to work yesterday. I was ready to kill him!)

In my world getting chores done means you swept, mopped, vacuumed, dusted, scrubbed the bathrooms, made the beds, disinfected toys, put away laundry, etc, etc.

That’s hard to do when you can’t pull yourself away from the TV.

Its even harder to do when you are out of the house 10 hours a day and then have to cook dinner, play, give baths and convince a rambunctious toddler to sleep.

I’m determined to get on track though and get organized. That is my 2012 resolution. I stayed up WAY late last night but I put all the laundry away, washed dishes AND spit shined the bathroom. I am EXHAUSTED today but I’m going to keep going every night until I feel like the house is where it needs to be. Then we’re going to keep it that way. That means I WILL hold the hubby accountable for leaving his and Jellybean’s dirty clothes and diapers laying around. We WILL clean up after ourselves and dejunkify our home. I WILL get organized at home and that is going to carry over to the rest of my life – finances, career, parenting and hopefully marriage.

Because it can’t keep going the way it has been.

(Thank you Pinterest for providing me with endless inspirations on how to make that happen! )

This post is linked up with Shell as part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.

 

PYHO - It's Not My Place

Many times in the past few months I've read blog entries about mom's being competitive and judging each other. About the unspoken war we all have going with each other about who is the better Mom. I really, really try not to judge and try to remember to each his own.

But sometimes? It takes all my strength and self control to not open my mouth and say something.

Like when you see people laying a 5 month old on their stomach to sleep, while wrapped in the baby comforter and then they let said baby "Cry It Out" for the next two hours..

I really wanted to shout at them "FOR PETE'S SAKE! YOU CALL YOURSELF PARENTS?"  but I didn't, I simply went to bed instead while peering down at my Jellybean and once again feeling blessed that he is such a good baby.

Its such a hard line to walk between wanting to offer others insight from all the reading you have done and crossing that line into unsolicited advice. I have made it a point to be a well educated parent. I read as much as I can and research what methods are out there and what science and study supports. I try to share that as much as I can. If there is something I am unsure of - I ask.

That is why I get frustrated when I see people doing things which I know aren't suggested or could be detrimental to their child. Then I remember - It's Not My Place to tell someone else how they should raise their child.

They are choosing the methods which they feel will work best for them and their family. That probably won't be what is working best for us. That doesn't necessarily mean that one of is wrong and the other right. My choices aren't any better than someone else's.  Just different.

Honestly? Joey and I don't always agree on the best way to do things with the Jellybean. I am okay with somewhat following Baby Led Weaning - it scares the crap out of Joey and he prefers to break up food into miniscule pieces that Jellybean needs a magnifying glass in order to find. I don't believe in spanking and Joey thinks there is nothing wrong with it.

If we don't always agree with each other - there is no way I can tell someone else what they should be doing in their own home. So, when those moments come that someone is doing something I would never consider doing in a million years - I take a deep breath and smile -

and remember that -

some people would never let their baby sleep in bed with them

(when its 3 am and all Jellybean wants is to snuggle and nurse and has a melt down every time I lay him in his bed...I let the kiddo sleep where he will - Mama needs sleep too!)

some people would be appalled that I don't disinfect every item that Jellybean drops on the floor

some people can't believe that Jellybean still isn't sleeping through the night, I mean I should really sleep train him

some people would frown upon my plan to let Jellybean self-wean as long as that may take

so I choose to try to not judge, lest I be judged myself!



This post is linked up with Shell as part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.