Wednesday, September 14, 2011

PYHO - It's Not My Place

Many times in the past few months I've read blog entries about mom's being competitive and judging each other. About the unspoken war we all have going with each other about who is the better Mom. I really, really try not to judge and try to remember to each his own.

But sometimes? It takes all my strength and self control to not open my mouth and say something.

Like when you see people laying a 5 month old on their stomach to sleep, while wrapped in the baby comforter and then they let said baby "Cry It Out" for the next two hours..

I really wanted to shout at them "FOR PETE'S SAKE! YOU CALL YOURSELF PARENTS?"  but I didn't, I simply went to bed instead while peering down at my Jellybean and once again feeling blessed that he is such a good baby.

Its such a hard line to walk between wanting to offer others insight from all the reading you have done and crossing that line into unsolicited advice. I have made it a point to be a well educated parent. I read as much as I can and research what methods are out there and what science and study supports. I try to share that as much as I can. If there is something I am unsure of - I ask.

That is why I get frustrated when I see people doing things which I know aren't suggested or could be detrimental to their child. Then I remember - It's Not My Place to tell someone else how they should raise their child.

They are choosing the methods which they feel will work best for them and their family. That probably won't be what is working best for us. That doesn't necessarily mean that one of is wrong and the other right. My choices aren't any better than someone else's.  Just different.

Honestly? Joey and I don't always agree on the best way to do things with the Jellybean. I am okay with somewhat following Baby Led Weaning - it scares the crap out of Joey and he prefers to break up food into miniscule pieces that Jellybean needs a magnifying glass in order to find. I don't believe in spanking and Joey thinks there is nothing wrong with it.

If we don't always agree with each other - there is no way I can tell someone else what they should be doing in their own home. So, when those moments come that someone is doing something I would never consider doing in a million years - I take a deep breath and smile -

and remember that -

some people would never let their baby sleep in bed with them

(when its 3 am and all Jellybean wants is to snuggle and nurse and has a melt down every time I lay him in his bed...I let the kiddo sleep where he will - Mama needs sleep too!)

some people would be appalled that I don't disinfect every item that Jellybean drops on the floor

some people can't believe that Jellybean still isn't sleeping through the night, I mean I should really sleep train him

some people would frown upon my plan to let Jellybean self-wean as long as that may take

so I choose to try to not judge, lest I be judged myself!

This post is linked up with Shell as part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.


Lynn said...

I'm not sure how old your baby is, but I am still breastfeeding and my son is 10 months old. I plan to breastfeed full time until he is 1 and then parttime until he is 2. I did the same thing with my daughter who is now 6. AND he sleeps in bed with me as well. It is easier to be on open tap and get our rest (he doesn't sleep all night either). Good luch with everything, it gets tricky because most moms think that their way is "the" way! I'd say that you are doing a great job!


Kate Fineske said...

It seems that the more I am judged, the more I choose NOT to judge others... because I realize each time that I just can't always be in other person's shoes. Their life is not mine, and my life is not there's. It is a lesson I learn OVER and OVER and OVER :) Good luck with your much needed sleep... it will come eventually, and then you'll look back and wonder where the time went.

Oka said...

We all make judgements based on our own experiences. Sometimes it's hard to imagine their is any other way than our own ways. When we acknowledge that fact, it is easier to learn to keep our mouths shut.

Anastasia said...

haha if I disinfected everything Bliss dropped on the floor I would have disinfectant permanently attached to my hand! I think we make the decisions that work best for our families. But I think even if they don't want to hear it if it looks dangerous I would say something. They can get mad but I'd rather make sure the baby is alive.

diane rene said...

something that helps me when it comes to judging other moms is that not all children will react the same way to the same treatments ... well, that and the "advice" of well known doctors all over the world tends to change from one decade to another.

some kids will not sleep on their backs ... period. mine wouldn't even sleep lying down! some will wean sooner than others, some will give up naps before their 2nd birthday, some will cry because they are bored and some won't cry unless there is something HUGELY wrong, some will talk and cut teeth right on schedule and some will walk before they're tall enough to be easily seen by adults.

all children are different and if we truly believe that and understand it's implications, then we are forced to admit that different children require different parenting techniques. what works for you, may not have worked for me, and in reverse. even within your own home you will find differences ... my oldest two were belly sleepers, the next one slept semi-seated (in a reclined baby seat), and my youngest slept on her back. 2 preferred pacifiers, 1 hated them and one preferred her thumb. my oldest and youngest daughters slept through the night at 2 months old, the middle girl needed 6 months (and it's only because it took us that long to figure out she didn't want to lay down).

4 kids with 4 very different personalities and needs which means 4 very different ways of taking care of them.

Shell said...

We all have to make our own parenting decisions. What really helped me to shut my mouth about others' decisions is knowing how different my own boys are. They are close in age, same family/house/etc... and yet, different things work with each of them. So, if I can't even have a piece of advice that worked for all three of mine, it's really hard for me to tell someone else to do something.

Unless it's really dangerous... I'd have to speak up.

Kisma said...

I believe this is a parents biggest frustration. One thing that helped me when my two were younger is that those that were giving me that unsolicited advised had been raised a different way then myself and what worked for them is great, but may not work or sound like something I would consider trying. Another mom said it best... each child is different.. that being said, each parent is different. The only time I have ever given my two cents was two a friend who in my opinion had more or less stopped being a parent because by her definition, her kids were past the age of "raising" they are 13 and 16 and I lost it on her.

I found when I was given advice, my response was always "thank you, I will keep that in mind". They always seemed to shut the other person up.

Great post!

Jenn [ Crippled Girl ] said...

I wish more parents reacted to things they don't agree with in the "take a deep breath and smile" route.

I have a friend who is constantly offering "friendly parenting advice" and I'm not even pregnant.

The Suburban Princess said...

The worst is when people judge you by other things than your actions. I get judged all the time because I look so young and I have so many little ones. People are constantly giving me dirty looks and making snide remarks assuming that I'm an unwed teenage mother or something. (I'm almost 30 and married to the father of ALL of my children).

Judgement sucks.

Krista @ Not Mommy of the Year said...

Every time I read something about disinfecting toys, I think "Wait, what?!" I'm so bad at that. I remember once in a while, but not often enough.
Anyway, I think the point of your post is dead on. I always relate a parenting situation back to mine and think "well, I would just..." but the problem is I'm not that parent with THAT child. So I can't possibly know why they make the deisions they make. I just know (and hope) that they are making what they truly believe is the best thing for the child.
Great and honest post, lady! :)

Kakunaa said...

It is SO hard! I have had BLW mentioned to me...he gags on pureed rice. So...not so much yet. He sleeps with me - I need sleep. IN BED WITH ME. My ped shakes his head at me. Sanitize??? What's that? You and I are very similar. However, p sleeps on his tummy...sometimes he does better that way :-) but never all wrapped up, LOL. Baby is healthy and happy...that is what matters, right?


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