PYHO - Coming clean

I have decided I must be crazy. You will understand why in a moment.

First, I need to reveal a few things that I haven't before on here. Coming clean if you must.

So my dear Joey, that I love to the ends of the earth and drives me crazy better than anyone else out there? Well, he's no angel. In fact he made ALOT of mistakes in his life. To the tune of he spent six years in prison before I met him. I'm not going to lie - that scared the bejeezus out of me when we first met and I almost didn't go out with him. Then I realized that he was honest enough to tell me that about himself the first day we met. He obviously wasn't trying to hide it and wasn't I taught that only God can judge?

He also has had his battles with addiction. You know how they say someone comes by it honestly? He does. That gene runs pretty deep in his family and as he put it - there were three things to do growing up where he did  - Drink, Fight, and well, it rhymes with Duck. In the first year we were together he received word of at least four or five friends overdosing and passing away. Its not a pretty demon to fight or one he likes but he is aware that it is always licking at his heels and most of the time he does a good job of keeping it at bay but sometimes - it gets the best of him. I know when its happening and he is quick to recognize it to. It puts a strain on our marriage at times.

I married him for better or for worse though. I truly believe that God chose to put us together because I am capable of drawing out the best in him and making him walk the line. I don't take shit from anyone and I am hard on him. He tends to thrive in those situations though. He knows I mean what I say and say what I mean. Sometimes I could put it across in a more flattering way but my emotions don't always allow that.

So the birth of Jellybean definitely shook up our relationship. Joey was used to being the number one priority in my life and I definitely catered to him in that. I allowed him to get away with a lot more and basically took care of him as if he was another child. When Jellybean came along that all changed. My priority became this child who was helpless and Joey, well he could fend for himself. Basically it was time to grow up and that didn't go well. We fought...often. I decided after four years of bailing him out every time he got in trouble I was done. When he mismanaged his money and didn't have it to pay child support for his other son. I didn't either this time. I had hospital bills to pay, day care and I wasn't even back to work yet. I also didn't have the money to fix his truck when it broke down. He got upset with me in the car once and said he would rather just walk - 12 miles home. I let him.

Before Jellybean when he would pull those emotional stunts I would drive around and then come pick him up. This time I let him walk it out. He made it home 4 hours later.

That was the catalyst for change. I think somewhere in that four hour walk in the Florida heat he realized that it was time to start acting like an adult. That Jellybean is more important than anything else could ever be. He sees now that he needs to be responsible for himself and that it is not my job to take care of him.

In the past few weeks the transformation in him as a husband and a Dad has been phenomenal. I think him taking the time to really parent Jellybean and be a part of the decision making process with him has empowered him in a way. Before I was doing all the parenting and he just felt like a babysitter at times. Now we do it together. I truly think he is capable of maintaining this change. I am going to hold him accountable and be there to support him - which is different then enabling him. I let him know when I am proud of him and why. I also let him know what I expect of him and why.

So why am I crazy, you ask? Well even with all the stress and uncertainty that I've endured in the past three months. I am already thinking of the next baby. I can say without a doubt that I am not done at one. I'm breastfeeding still and it will be awhile before my cycles come back but if after a year we are still doing well, I really hope I am announcing the upcoming arrival of Jujube as a brother or sister to Jellybean. Knowing that it took me almost two years to get pregnant with Jellybean I will start trying again sooner rather than later. Pray for us that God keeps working his miracles and gives us the foundation and support we need to keep this family intact and growing.

This post is linked up with Shell as part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.