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Wednesday, January 12, 2011

This wasn't how I planned it

I waited until this evening to write this post because I needed to be in a better place in order to get it out without sounding bitter.

I spent much of last night crying my eyes out and that melancholy carried a bit over into today.

You see the whole time I was pregnant with Jellybean I pictured the perfect scenarios. I never even let myself consider anything going wrong. I mean we had tried so hard to get pregnant with him and 2010 was already such a medical rollercoaster that I just KNEW I was going to have an easy pregnancy. And it was - right up until 34 weeks and 6 days. At that visit the nurse weighed me and it showed I had lost 4 lbs since two weeks before...over the holidays. Then my fundal height was off too. That earned me an ultrasound the next day. Which showed I had no amniotic fluid and that Jellybean was measuring 3-4 weeks behind. Which earned me a trip to the hospital and another u/s along with a very painful vaginal check with a dry swab to see if I was leaking fluid. Which I wasn't. My first ultrasound was at 11am. The second was around 4pm. At 6:09pm Jellybean was born. I saw him for about 10 seconds in the operating room and then he was whisked off to the nursery. From there it was decided he would be transferred to another hospital which had a NICU while I was stuck at the hospital I delivered at. The transport team brought him into my room for another minute and then I spent the next two days apart from my son - which was devastating for me. Little did I know the next twelve days would be even harder.

It's been two weeks since I've been home. I miss my house and my pets. I'm tired of only having a room to stay in rather than the house I own. I'm upset that I have yet to ever have a moment alone with just my son or just my husband and my son. I hate that I have had to sit there and watch my husband rock our son while tears stream down his face because he too just wants to bring him home. I know deep down that I should be grateful. Jellybean is doing amazing for a preemie. He is way ahead of schedule and will most likely be discharged this week. There are people who are still looking at months in the NICU. My little guy has been on room air since birth.He transitioned into a crib at 8 days old and his feeding tube came out two days later. All he has been working on since is gaining weight and as of yesterday he was 3 lbs and 10 oz - so yes we are lucky to have such an exceptional child.

Still we feel cheated. Nurses have spent more time with him then we have. I didn't get to give him his first bath. I don't get to be the one to comfort him in the middle of the night. This wasn't what I imagined at all.

I was hoping my followup visit at the Ob would give me some answers. He had sent my placenta off for analysis and I wanted an AHA! moment of this is what went wrong. Instead we found a perfectly normal placenta. So we are still left thinking - maybe I was preeclamptic maybe not. But we did nothing wrong at least.

Now I just want my baby to come home. I want to hold him, rock him and love on him in the privacy of my own home. I want to be the one soothing his cries. I want to nurse him without a screen around me. Most of all though I just want him to be healthy - so if that means more time in the NICU - then I guess I need to embrace the fact that life doesn't go according to plan.


Shell over at Things I Can't Say hosts - Pour Your Heart Out. It is a place to just get whatever is weighing on your heart out. Please be kind to all of the posters.

12 comments:

Rochelle@AFamilyofLooneys said...

I can't imagine how hard it must be.
Sending big hugs to you and jellybean.

Day 2 Day Living said...

I hope he gets to be home real soon! Y'all are in my thoughts.

Shell said...

Oh sweetie. I can't imagine how hard this has all been on you.

Sending prayers that he gets to come home soon and you can start being the family that you had imagined.

Renegades said...

I also cannot imagine the stress of a situation like this.

However, remind yourself he's here and it's a blessing even if how and when he got here wasn't what you planned.

You are so right about life not going as one plans for it too. I guess this is one of those times a person just has to handle what they are delt.

Hoping you are home soon with your blessing. :)

Niki said...

I think what you are saying is completely valid and needs to be said. your right. I wish it weren't that way but like you said you have a baby who is getting healthy fast. Even if that is so you still get the right to feel cheated. I am thinking of you and your family.

Evonne said...

This has to be so hard. I can understand feeling bitter and cheated.

I really hope that he gets to come home soon.

Tylaine said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way Di. I can't even imagine how hard it is but you are strong and so is Jellybean and you will get through this. He is so very precious and you are amazingly blessed to have him! Keep the faith. Sending prayers and hugs!!

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Even while remaining aware of what other children are going through, you certainly have the right to your feelings as well. They are real and deserved. Don't feel guilty about any of them, I have heard of so many mothers who go through this period of "grief" over the birth experience. Take the time to heal my friend.

Sara said...

Oh Girl... I am so sorry. This has to be so incredibly hard- harder than I could ever even imagine. Hopefully soon, it'll just all be a distant memory, and you'll have years and years and years to love on him...

Nicki said...

So the mental health counselor to-be in me is coming out! There is no wrong way to feel about all of this. There are NO 'shoulds' or 'oughts' here. It is perfectly okay to mourne the loss of an idea as well. You had a idea of how your pregnancy would go and that idea died. Of course you are pissed and sad over that! Express that whenever you need to. Yes, your baby is here and he is doing wonderfully. I know that means more than anything in the world to you! Just be sure to allow yourself to grieve over the loss of how you imagined it would be. Sending hugs!!!

Brandy and April said...

I can't imagine the thought of having to wait to have held either of my boys. I am so sorry that anybody has to endure this type of pain. I hope the new year brings wonderful things and a healthy son coming home soon with so many years ahead of you with wonderful memories!

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

I'm glad to know this ordeal is over for y'all & you & your sweet boy are home now.

This same thing happened with my SIL, but luckily my niece weighted 5 lbs, so was able to come home fairly quickly. FYI: Her 2nd baby was no problem & he weighted like 7 or 8 lbs.

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