Conversations with Jellybean - They Grow Up Too Fast!

Jellybean (pointing at something in the fridge: Ugh! Ugh! (This of course means I want that. Give it to me right now or I will have a meltdown of epic proportions.

Me: No Jellybean, you don't need strawberries at 9pm. Besides Mommy is trying to fix your lunch and doesn't have time to wash them.

Jellybean: Huh, Mom is busy right now? That's okay Mom, I can handle this myself.

Anyone else think that the terrible two's are going to be a ton of fun when my 16 month old is already doing this?

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Me: Hey Jellybean, what's up with the hair buddy?

Jellybean: (in a frustrated tone of voice) Mom - can't you see I'm channeling Einstein here? I'm going to be genius! A genius I tell you!

Me: Silly me, how did I not know that?

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Me: Whoa buddy! Just where in the world do you think you are going dressed like that?

Jellybean: Chill out, Mom. Me and the gang are going riding. It's cool. Don't stay up and wait alright?

PYHO - Everyone Doesn't Need to Know

The hubby and I had a H-U-G-E fight last night.

H-U-G-E

I'm sure we will both get over it in the next week or so. We usually do. But we have some fights. Reality TV worthy.

So obviously I blast all over Facebook about all my marital troubles and what a dickhead my hubby is. Because that is the perfect forum for it right? I mean EVERYONE should know my personal business. Every intimate detail of it.

In fact I think I'll also start giving graphic accounts of my annual gyn exams on there too.

Maybe I'll ask for their opinions on decisions that should be left to the hubby and me.

So my only reference to having a rough night last night was this -

Dear Coffee -

I'm so glad we were able to share that moment together this morning. I can only hope that you got as much pleasure out of it as I did. If not we can try again in an hour or so when I'll be needing you again.

Forever yours,

Me

There's a reason why the hide from news feed is my favorite feature on Facebook. I don't want to know every detail of everyone else's life. I have enough drama in my own.

Hubbies can be jerks. Work can suck. Babies get sick. Dogs poop all over the house. People let you down.

That's life.

Somethings are meant to be kept private. Facebook even with all its security features is not a private forum. Sometime maturity means knowing when to bite your lip and remember that this too shall pass. (Wish I could remember that when I'm in the middle of a heated argument!) Its not the time to go blasting it on Facebook so that EVERYONE knows.

There are times I wish I could get on there during a fight with my hubby and let it all out. I want to hear that I am right and have everyone agree with me. Except it won't change the fact that we are fighting. That he still thinks I'm wrong and that we are angry with each other. All it will do is divide us even further.

Set limits. Boundaries. Respect that some things require privacy.

Remember that things change. Maybe for the better or for the worse. Things aren't good all the time. If they were you'd stop appreciating the good times.

Feel free to post when your hubby sends flowers to work, just because. Let me know your kiddo just used the potty for the first time. Your dog ran into the sliding glass door.

Just think before you post.

This post is linked up with Shell as part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.

If You Give a Jellybean a Cookie

If you give a Jellybean a cookie - he will just want another cookie.

If you give a Jellybean  ravioli - he will use it as a face mask.

If you give a Jellybean salmon for dinner - he won't eat it off his tray but will gladly eat the pieces he threw off the floor.

If you give a Jellybean broccoli - he will toot all night long.

If you give a Jellybean a Harley - he will ride it in style.

If you keep a Jellybean outside all day - you end up with a sleepy bean.

If you need to cook Jellybean dinner - you end up with a little helper.

If you have a Jellybean of your own - you can relate!

NIAW 2012 - Just be there

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week.

I've shared my story and my thoughts on infertility quite a few times before.

Actually my blog was consumed by infertility and the pain it causes in all the months leading up to Jellybean being concieved.

Doctor's visits. Blood draws. Reproductive Endocrinologist. HSG. Femara. Ovidrel. Semen analysis. Sperm banking. Ultrasounds. E2 and Progesterone checks. Clomid. Taking a break. Leaving the RE. 3 Rounds of Clomid with my OB. 2 at 50mg and a final third at 100mg. Then we were to start with a new Reproductive Endocrinologist. Unbelievably - I got my BFP 3 days before starting with that new RE.

An uneventful pregnancy until 35 weeks - where I had an emergency C-section due to HELPP syndrome and gave birth to my 3lb 2oz IUGR little boy. Who is now 19lbs or so of full speed ahead, way too advanced for his own good toddler.

Life is perfect now - right?

No.

I am still infertile. I hope that I get lucky and somehow manage to concieve without drugs, IUI's etc, this time. Sometimes pregnancy will reset your clock and the second and third time is much easier.

My cycles have been more predictable since having Jellybean. My OPK's are actually positive without Clomid. That's a first for me.

I'm not getting my hopes up though. I asked my doctor during my annual last week how long we should go before starting medication when we are ready for number two. He said we can try three natural cyles and then we will try Clomid again. I am once again underweight after having Jellybean despite all my efforts to hold onto the weight. So more than likely - Jujube will also be a Clomid baby.

My future pregnancies will also be monitored very closely. We had that talk too. No one wants a repeat of our experience with Jellybean. I'll be on the baby aspirin, NST, BPP regimen this time around. Probably modifed bed rest too. Nothing is easy for me.

So yes - I have a beautiful, amazing little boy. I AM still infertile.

This time around - I won't be letting anyone IRL know when we are trying to concieve again. I don't want to hear the advice this time around. Not from my sister who got pregnant everytime she sneezed. (4 kids in 5 years - she had to get her tubes tied to quit getting pregnant) Not from my Mom who irritates me with pretty much any advice she gives me. (That's my adult maturity shining through there.) Not from the neighbor lady across the street.

None of your advice worked people. I have relaxed. Tried. Not tried. I have done things that would make most people blush when it comes to having a baby. I have shown my husband a positive OPK and said we need to do it tonight. (Hello romance!)

In the end - I still needed medical help to get pregnant. I am in no way ashamed or dissapointed that thats what it took. The same way my father needs pills to control his blood pressure and cholesterol - I needed pills to make my lady parts do what they should. Hot flash inducing, hormone raging - psychotic lady pills.

That resulted in one beautiful Jellybean.

Now I have some advice for all of you. Don't give advice. You don't know that couples story. You don't know what they are going through. I only give advice if someone asks what our protocol was and what worked. Instead - give your support. Allow them to feel the pain. Allow them to grieve.

Don't undermine their feelings or this disease. It is just as devastating as a deadly cancer. Be the one there with a hug and a shoulder to cry on.

Just be there.

A Day to Remember

That picture up there? That's my ex. Christmas of 2003. We went to NY to spend Christmas with my family. His first and only time in NY. We were together for three years. His mom was my boss. We met while setting up for a gymnastics meet and snuck around for six months before letting her know we were dating. While we were together I turned 21. Got my first real apartment on my own. Graduated college. Started a big girl job with benefits. Got engaged. And broke up.

Oh and he fought alcoholism and panic disorder. His anxiety and panic were debilitating. He couldn't leave the house. Couldn't drive. So he would sit home and get drink. He got sober a few times. Had alcohol withdrawal seizures and the doctors told him he wouldn't live to see 30. He was sober when we broke up. And 29. I sporadiacally kept contact with him. He drifted in and out of rehab after that. I started dating Joey. Got married.

Sean would have been 35 today. He always hated his birthday. He shared it with Hitler and the Columbine massacres. He didn't mind smoking  alittle weed and listening to Marley on it though. Or a lot of weed. Which I am insanely allergic too. Think projectile vomit. Needless to say we weren't going to make it in the long run. He was a total pacifist. Had a One Life, One Love tattoo.

He passed away in September of 2008 at 31. From alcoholic ketoacidosis.

He proved the doctor's wrong.

Then he gave up.

I was lucky enough to speak at both of his memorial services. I needed that.

I still talk to his mom and sister's.

He will always be a part of me.

He is why I didn't give up on Joey even when I should have. I couldn't fix Sean. He broke up with me because he knew he was holding me back. And he was right. I flourished after we split.

I just wish he could have bloomed too.

Happy Birthday Seannie. I still love you!



Life is Good Today

I'm sitting here drinking a hot tea with lemon which never fails to make me feel good.

Almost all of the dishes are washed.

Everyone had breakfast and lunch packed to take to work/day care today.

We all slept well.

The house looks relatively clean. If you ignore the ridiculous amount of laundry left to put away.

Last night when I walked in the bedroom to put jammies on I realized the hubby had done this before he left for class -

I about died laughing and wondered if Goldilocks was going to be stopping by.

I kept Jellybean occupied last night during dinner prep by handing him a pitcher filled with ice. The kid was happy as a clam.

I was a proud momma already since day care let me know that they use him to push the older kids along and get them to say new things and learn new tasks. Example - they needed to say cookie in order to get one. Jellybean loves that word. He will stand under our pantry saying it until someone gives him a cookie. So of course he was more than happy to say cookie and he ended up with one in each hand. That he paraded around the other kids. :) I bet they'll say cookie next time.

Seriously though - he is super smart and stubborn too. No worries though - I have no plans for MENSA testing or college prep any time soon though. I mean he does still love to drag mac n cheese through his hair!

Joey also let me know last night that he gets to step down to two nights a week in his classes! Thank goodness. Even one extra night a week is a god send! It also means he's doing a good job in his program.

I have some other stuff I'm working on behind the scenes that could be really great for our family too.

All in all though?

Life is Good today!

Finally - A Little Bit of Life

I’ve been thinking about my blog a lot lately and why I haven’t been posting as much.

I know I keep saying that I’m too busy with work, Jellybean, taking care of the house but I’ve always been busy. I still find time to Facebook and to Pin things I’ll never get around to actually doing.

So why haven’t I been blogging?

I figured out that I just don’t “NEED” it like I use to. Blogging was my escape, my little bit of therapy to get away from all the unhappiness and insanity that was going on around me. It was where I could go to talk to my “friends” and not feel like I was alone. Doing everything on my own the past year was rough. I doubted if I could make it through a few times.

Now though – things are different. I gave myself permission to live again. I’m not sitting at home waiting for life to get better. Instead I’m taking part in it.

Does it help that things with the hubby are actually going somewhat well? Oh, definitely. This shift happened before that though. I just got to a point where I realized I needed more. So I went and got it.

I made friends with other toddler moms and at least one evening a week I’m hanging out with them. Jellybean gets to play or devour whatever food they have on hand since we obviously starve the poor child. (Which is why today alone he had the following food packed in his bag – Oatmeal, yogurt, hardboiled egg, strawberries, cereal, snack lunchable of crackers, cheese and mini oreos, spinach/chicken/barley soup, tater tots, green beans and a cookie) I get to talk with other adults and realize I am not the only one who doesn’t have  a perfect house, marriage or child. While I was sitting at home wallowing in how crappy things were I was convinced it was just me. Now talking to my friends and hearing of so many who separated from their hubbies while pregnant or after a child and showing up while they try to randomly stuff messes into closets and cabinets – I take a deep breath and realize we’re all in this together.

I even took a BIG step and created a Facebook group for a bunch of us girls who went to school together. We’re all moms now. We know other moms and we should all talk and hang out. We’re up to 43 members so apparently I wasn’t the only one who thought we needed that.

Since I’m no longer doing everything alone I’ve also found time to just sit outside with Jellybean. His favorite “chore” right now is feeding the chickens.

So yesterday after work while Joey was in class for the night we spent an hour or so in the yard. He fed the chickens while I tidied up the yard. Afterwards we ate dinner, took a shower and it was time for bed.

I didn’t feel stressed out or overwhelmed through it though like I use to. Now I’m sitting down and eating my dinner with him. I didn’t freak out or get upset when he insisted in drinking from my cup and spilled a good portion on himself. Instead I was happy he was trying to master a big boy skill.

I don't know why but I just feel like I am more at peace with everything. I shouldn’t be. We are broke as a joke. I need to look at freelancing jobs but I don’t know if I can handle more work right now. I mean I just started being able to relax. We do need the money so I’m trying to gear myself up to do it.

That still doesn’t really explain why I haven’t been blogging. The answer is – my heart just isn’t into it right now. I’m enjoying my life too much to stop and have to write about it. I don’t have too many deep or drawn out things to write about. Three nights a week I still fly solo as Joey goes to his classes. (He was very proud of himself last night when he came home and could tell me that he and another guy were tested during their break and Joey’s test was clean while the other guy failed. ) My day to day life now is work, home, Jellybean, cooking, cleaning, etc. I haven’t really even had any juicy fights to talk to you guys about. ☺ I think this is just a phase. Or maybe I’ll have to find another direction for my blog to take. I don’t know.

Having a life is turning into a really good thing. I’m enjoying it too much to stop. So while I may be scarce here in bloggyland you can probably find me pulling the Jellybean around the neighborhood in his wagon or maybe we’re at the beach with some friends.

I’ll be back though. I mean something interesting is bound to happen soon.

Just in case I’ll buy a lottery ticket tonight.

That would be worthy of a blog post, right?

This post is linked up with Shell as part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.

Then I fell down the rabbit hole

Okay so I didn't really fall down a rabbit hole. Although  I may welcome that at this point. The insanity that is my work life just isn't letting up. In addition I had to work an event on Saturday so my weekend consisted of one day.

Oh and I also earned the crappy mom award on Friday. Jellybean threw up Friday morning before day care. It was mucus so I chalked it up to congestion/post nasal drip and sent hime to day care. An hour later they texted me to let me know he threw up again. I immediately knew that meant he had another ear infection. Hauled him to the pediatrician where they confirmed him and took him BACK to day care since he wasn't contagious.

This mom needs to be at work.

He slept all day.

I still felt like crap for sending him to day care sick though.

I don't think he minded at all. He treated me to open mouth, grabbing my face with both hands kisses.

I feel like I should write more but this girl has a couch date with her hubby and he just walked in with our movie.

I might be blogging less but that's only because I'm living more.

I'll catch up with you soon!

This time around -

Where's the love
It's not enough
It makes the world go 'round and 'round and...

(100 teenybopper points if you know what song that’s from!)

I am tentatively hopeful.

I originally had little to no faith in rehab making a difference this time around in my husband.

I’d been through it too many times before with him when he would say he was going to change – and didn’t.

This time though?

Something really is different.

I’m starting to see the man, husband and father that he is capable of being.

And I like it.

A lot.

I no longer feel like I’m in this by myself.

For the first time in our relationship I have a partner. Its nice.

This guy if he continues down the course – he’s a keeper.

Parenting has become a joint activity. We both change diapers, take care of Jellybean and deal with toddler meltdowns. There isn’t fighting over giving baths, division of labor or putting him to bed. Three days out of the week its still almost a solo gig for me because of the rehab sessions but he makes up for it the rest of the week. If Jellybean is fighting a nap Daddy will now go and lay down with him until he falls asleep. I actually get to shower and do my hair. Although I usually end up washing dishes instead.

We do chores and try to stay on top of things. I don’t have to badger him to get it done either.

This past week I have been fighting a sinus infection that has really taken it out of me. He gets that. Tonight I’ve been told to take it easy when I get home. He has to skip his group session to replace a part on his truck but after that he’s going to take care of Jellybean. He thinks I need a break and to go to bed early.

WHO IS THIS GUY?

Sunday night the light bulbs that have been burned out in the living room for three months got replaced.

Yesterday the trash cans were pulled out to the curb ready for pick up today.

Saturday morning he swept and mopped.

He calls when he’s running late. Gets home when he says he will.

He is affectionate, loving and caring.

Its not all rainbows, unicorns and fairy dust. We still fight. When Jellybean is refusing to nap, won’t eat anything other than cookies and is whining  - we snap at each other.

But that is NORMAL.

For the first time in five years. I’m hopeful.

I actually believe in change this time.

I’m hoping he doesn’t prove me wrong.

Happy Easter!

No need to ask what Jellybean thought of the Easter Bunny!

At least he was a fan of the Easter Egg hunt!



PYHO - Self Appraisal

I had my annual appraisal at work last week.

My supervisor prefaced it with what an asset I was to the company and that some of these things would be difficult to hear but she was trying to groom me for a promotion in a year or so.

Prior to this she was unaware of everything else I have had going on in my life the past year in addition to the birth of Jellybean.

I heard things during the evaluation like I had a curt demeanor, I can be perceived as a know it all, I haven’t been paying attention to details at much, and that I had a just roll with it attitude.

I listened and I agreed. I made no attempt to defend myself because for the most part it was true.

I haven’t been on my A game at work. Between the stress of home life and having been told in the past that there was no opportunity for advancement within our company I had decided it was best to just maintain and not stress myself by trying to go above and beyond.

Then I shared the whole story with my supervisor.

(To clarify, she is not in the office on a daily basis. She is actually based on the west coast and only makes it into our office a few days a month.)

I let her know that for the past year I have basically been a single mom. In addition to that there was the stress of Joey’s addiction, his unemployment and not having anyone else who could help out. If Jellybean was sick I had to be the one to stay home with him because Joey wasn’t capable. I shed tears but I wasn’t looking for pity or sympathy. I just knew that it needed to be shared. I’m not ashamed and she could tell. I’m proud of the fact that I have managed to do as much as I have in the past year despite all the turmoil.

The main point that I got across though was that it wasn’t that I didn’t care about my job – it was that I didn’t have any more to give. There’s only so much of me to go around and once its been doled out – that’s it.

As for the personality traits discussed and how they are a challenge in the work place? That didn’t sting at all. I’m very self aware. I know that I have a difficult personality and that I’m not all warm and fuzzy at work. I’m there to do a job. Not make friends. Harsh but true. I also do cut people off in conversation. If I already know the answer I hate waiting for you to spit it out. (Must be the New Yorker in me) Patience is not my virtue.

Its all well and good that I know myself but to move ahead?

I need to change things. I know it will help me in more areas then just work.

So I’ve been trying. Really trying.

That’s why I have been blogging even less than usual.

My workload is incredible right now. I’m managing 15 projects or so simultaneously. Its stressful and at the end of the day the last thing I want to do is get on the computer again to blog or read a blog. Work needs to be a priority right now anyway. (Along with winning the lottery of course)

So my self awareness took the sting out but it also lit a fire under my ass. I do want a promotion. I am capable of more. If it means I need to be all rainbows and unicorns at work for awhile so be it. Bigger and better things at work mean bigger and better things at home so I’m going to embrace it.

But inside – I’m holding on to a little bit of that inner bitch. It got me this far!

This post is linked up with Shell as part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.

An Epidemic of Sorts

I've shared with you recently my husband's struggles with addiction.

I wish my story could just stop there and he be the only one addicted.

Unfortunately that's not the case.

It's a freaking epidemic out there.

A few weeks ago we read an article in the paper about a girl my sister was best friends with in middle and high school. They were arrested and her young son was taken away. Why? Because there were drugs and syringes all over the vehicle within reach of the 2 year old child. Who wasn't even restrained even though there was a car seat in the vehicle. This girl? She's been in and out of rehab her whole life and is a mom to 3 kids. Who she will now only see on occasional visits.

Even worse?

We found out on Saturday that my sister's very best friend from grade school passed away due to an overdose. She had just gotten her life back together - she was a nurse, had her own place and seemed to be beating her addiction. Her father is a retired cop. And now  - just heart break remains.

When I say this girl was her best friend - I mean she LIVED at our house pretty much. The two of them were inseparable when we lived in NY. I felt like she was another sister. They had of course drifted apart over the years but thanks to the wonders of Facebook reconnected and were making plans to meet up the next time my sister was in NY.

I know how my sister feels. Remember I lost an ex-boyfriend to the ravages of alcoholism. He literally drank himself to death. That was a guy I lived with for three years. Spent everyday with him and now he's just a memory I once had.

I don't know why drugs have taken such a hold on our age group and what the appeal is. I don't get it myself. I don't drink. I don't smoke. Pot made me projectile vomit so I never even saw the thrill in smoking it.

All I do know is that there's all these families and friends who are losing people they treasure most for a few minute high.

Is it really worth it?