I had my annual appraisal at work last week.
My supervisor prefaced it with what an asset I was to the company and that some of these things would be difficult to hear but she was trying to groom me for a promotion in a year or so.
Prior to this she was unaware of everything else I have had going on in my life the past year in addition to the birth of Jellybean.
I heard things during the evaluation like I had a curt demeanor, I can be perceived as a know it all, I haven’t been paying attention to details at much, and that I had a just roll with it attitude.
I listened and I agreed. I made no attempt to defend myself because for the most part it was true.
I haven’t been on my A game at work. Between the stress of home life and having been told in the past that there was no opportunity for advancement within our company I had decided it was best to just maintain and not stress myself by trying to go above and beyond.
Then I shared the whole story with my supervisor.
(To clarify, she is not in the office on a daily basis. She is actually based on the west coast and only makes it into our office a few days a month.)
I let her know that for the past year I have basically been a single mom. In addition to that there was the stress of Joey’s addiction, his unemployment and not having anyone else who could help out. If Jellybean was sick I had to be the one to stay home with him because Joey wasn’t capable. I shed tears but I wasn’t looking for pity or sympathy. I just knew that it needed to be shared. I’m not ashamed and she could tell. I’m proud of the fact that I have managed to do as much as I have in the past year despite all the turmoil.
The main point that I got across though was that it wasn’t that I didn’t care about my job – it was that I didn’t have any more to give. There’s only so much of me to go around and once its been doled out – that’s it.
As for the personality traits discussed and how they are a challenge in the work place? That didn’t sting at all. I’m very self aware. I know that I have a difficult personality and that I’m not all warm and fuzzy at work. I’m there to do a job. Not make friends. Harsh but true. I also do cut people off in conversation. If I already know the answer I hate waiting for you to spit it out. (Must be the New Yorker in me) Patience is not my virtue.
Its all well and good that I know myself but to move ahead?
I need to change things. I know it will help me in more areas then just work.
So I’ve been trying. Really trying.
That’s why I have been blogging even less than usual.
My workload is incredible right now. I’m managing 15 projects or so simultaneously. Its stressful and at the end of the day the last thing I want to do is get on the computer again to blog or read a blog. Work needs to be a priority right now anyway. (Along with winning the lottery of course)
So my self awareness took the sting out but it also lit a fire under my ass. I do want a promotion. I am capable of more. If it means I need to be all rainbows and unicorns at work for awhile so be it. Bigger and better things at work mean bigger and better things at home so I’m going to embrace it.
But inside – I’m holding on to a little bit of that inner bitch. It got me this far!
This post is linked up with Shell as part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.