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Wednesday, October 24, 2012

PYHO - Survivor Guilt


Infertility is an evil, evil bitch.

She chews you up, spits you out and then stomps you into the ground.

Month after month you come back to her to be punished again and again.

The two years it took us to conceive Jellybean were two of the longest most stressful years of my life. I endured countless procedures, multiple drug regimens and saw blank test after blank test. I shed tears, gave up hope and resigned myself to the fact that it was never going to happen.

Until finally it did. We had beat infertility with the help of Clomid and our dreams were going to come true!

I had a slight case of guilt when I got pregnant with Jellybean. I knew many people who had tried IVF and still didn’t have their baby and  here I was knocked up after $15 worth of pills. It didn’t seem fair but hey – I’d been fighting the same demon so we could commiserate.

I knew right after having Jellybean I wanted more kids. By right after I mean I was still strapped down to the board like Jesus from my C-section and I knew my heart had abundant love in it for more kids.

I didn’t know that Joey would put me through hell and back for the next 15 months. Somehow though we persevered and made it through that as well.

My cycles didn’t return until 14 months thanls to extended breastfeeding. That’s when the doubt and worry started to creep in.

“What if it takes another 2 years?”

“What if Clomid isn’t enough this time?”

“What if we don’t have another after Jellybean?”

Not once did the thought cross my mind that we would get pregnant on our own. Naturally. That doesn’t happen to infertiles.  We don’t get OOPS babies. Our babies are planned on a calendar and timed. Its super romantic. Then we perform all sorts of crazy rituals to make sure it sticks.

That’s why when I got my BFP in September – when we weren’t trying yet – I was SHOCKED.

And then being an “IF”er I felt guilty. It’s survivor guilt in a way.

Here I am already blessed with one child and now with a second miracle on the way – without any medical intervention no less – and there are so many others, out in the cold still waiting.

One of my friends, who was a due date buddy last time through IVF, managed to get pregnant naturally last spring – only to suffer a miscarriage. They have now been trying a year without luck.

Another friend of mine has been trying for 5 years now. They’ve done Femara, Clomid, IUI’s and now are trying Chinese medicine.

How do I tell her I have now lapped her twice?

Infertiles have it hard. On the one hand we are thrilled, more so than most, to be expecting these miracles – we overcome amazing odds to be here. And then there’s the guilt it carries for the friends we leave behind. For the ladies that haven’t experienced having your newborn fall asleep on your chest with that soft sigh. Or a toddler coming up to you and saying – “Hug, Momma?”

Infertility – even when you’ve conquered it – is an evil, evil bitch.

6 comments:

Kakunaa said...

Not surprisingly you are in my head. I could have written this post...was in fact considering it. I get it. Completely. I wish we could share the wealth.

Shell said...

The guilt has to be hard.

But just try to focus on your happy news!

Missy Bedell said...

I had a cousin that happened to. She called the second child her miracle baby. I'm sure the guilt is tough though!

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I've never experienced this so I really can't relate. I'll never understand why it's so easy for some people to have babies - even those who don't need or deserve them - and so hard for others, who are/would be wonderful parents.

Lacey_Renea said...

I've never been in your shoes so I can't relate, but I can imagine that the guilt that you experience is tough. I'm sure your friends are/will be very happy for you; enjoy your miracle!

Lacey @ And They Call Me Mommy

Masala Chica said...

Watching a friend go through something like that is so hard, especially when you have kids of your own. BUT, you have to enjoy this journey you are on right now - be there for them emotionally - know when to back off when it's time too.

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