PYHO - Survivor Guilt

Infertility is an evil, evil bitch.

She chews you up, spits you out and then stomps you into the ground.

Month after month you come back to her to be punished again and again.

The two years it took us to conceive Jellybean were two of the longest most stressful years of my life. I endured countless procedures, multiple drug regimens and saw blank test after blank test. I shed tears, gave up hope and resigned myself to the fact that it was never going to happen.

Until finally it did. We had beat infertility with the help of Clomid and our dreams were going to come true!

I had a slight case of guilt when I got pregnant with Jellybean. I knew many people who had tried IVF and still didn’t have their baby and  here I was knocked up after $15 worth of pills. It didn’t seem fair but hey – I’d been fighting the same demon so we could commiserate.

I knew right after having Jellybean I wanted more kids. By right after I mean I was still strapped down to the board like Jesus from my C-section and I knew my heart had abundant love in it for more kids.

I didn’t know that Joey would put me through hell and back for the next 15 months. Somehow though we persevered and made it through that as well.

My cycles didn’t return until 14 months thanls to extended breastfeeding. That’s when the doubt and worry started to creep in.

“What if it takes another 2 years?”

“What if Clomid isn’t enough this time?”

“What if we don’t have another after Jellybean?”

Not once did the thought cross my mind that we would get pregnant on our own. Naturally. That doesn’t happen to infertiles.  We don’t get OOPS babies. Our babies are planned on a calendar and timed. Its super romantic. Then we perform all sorts of crazy rituals to make sure it sticks.

That’s why when I got my BFP in September – when we weren’t trying yet – I was SHOCKED.

And then being an “IF”er I felt guilty. It’s survivor guilt in a way.

Here I am already blessed with one child and now with a second miracle on the way – without any medical intervention no less – and there are so many others, out in the cold still waiting.

One of my friends, who was a due date buddy last time through IVF, managed to get pregnant naturally last spring – only to suffer a miscarriage. They have now been trying a year without luck.

Another friend of mine has been trying for 5 years now. They’ve done Femara, Clomid, IUI’s and now are trying Chinese medicine.

How do I tell her I have now lapped her twice?

Infertiles have it hard. On the one hand we are thrilled, more so than most, to be expecting these miracles – we overcome amazing odds to be here. And then there’s the guilt it carries for the friends we leave behind. For the ladies that haven’t experienced having your newborn fall asleep on your chest with that soft sigh. Or a toddler coming up to you and saying – “Hug, Momma?”

Infertility – even when you’ve conquered it – is an evil, evil bitch.