Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Post It Note Tuesday - No I'm not Okay

Today's Post-It notes are brought to you by Clomid, stress, tears and the number 3 (as in days to our mini vacation.. Hope you enjoy and please share your thoughts!

Only one actual post it this week and then a very long drawn out emotional explanation. Bear with me!

At the moment I am currently and cautiously hanging on to my last shred of sanity. Its a combination of Clomid, stress, exhaustion, worry, anxiety, frustration and probably a million other things. So in case you were wondering - No, I'm not okay right now. But no one ever really asks that when you need it, do they?

This past month has been the worst and most harrowing experience in my life dealing with my dad's condition. Even though he is out of the hospital it doesn't change the fact that he does in fact have an artery that is completely blocked and his symptoms can return. Shands turned him down for the surgery and the hospital turned him down for financial assistance which also takes away his clinic and follow up care and the other free clinic in town isn't accepting new patients. My mom is also still smoking and drinking despite seeing what my dad went through as a result of that. My sister and I have been trying to handle everything for my parents. That means at least twice a week I drive over to my parent's straight after work to handle paperwork, thank you notes, etc. I now sleep with my cell phone by the bed every night and can't help but be worried every time the phone rings. I know it's not healthy and that worrying won't change or prevent anything but - THAT"S MY DADDY and I just can't help it.

Two of our houseguests I mentioned last week are still at the house. When Joey asked if they could come stay I told him no at the time. I knew with all the stress I was under I just couldn't handle it. I need to have my quiet house to escape to and relax if I needed it. I tried explaining all that to him but he was relentless and finally wore me down until I agreed. I warned him at the time that it wasn't going to be pretty and would cause a huge rift between us. I was right. All we've done is bitch and fight the past two weeks since we can't even relax in our own home. It sucks majorly since what I really need right now is some comfort.

To top it all off - I started 100mg of Clomid too. Which has me ranging from hysterical crying wreck or superbitch. Yea - neither side is particularly lovely. It also makes me question how this is supposed to work since neither mood is particularly conducive to babymaking. Then again - neither is the stress. Or the raging headaches. 

So in case you were wondering - Nope, I'm not okay. I'm hoping that our trip this weekend will refresh me and give me a new outlook. Maybe sprinkle some positivity into me. In the mean time I just keep praying...and then praying some more.


Sara said...

Clomid sucks. Period. But, hopefully the end result will be worth it for you. I'm sorry about your worry and frustrastion. I will pray for you to find at least a little peace and quiet. Have fun this weekend!!!!

Together We Save said...

Praying for your family and your dad!! Hope your weekend helps.

Angie said...


Sounds like you have every right to be superbitch!

Hang in there hon! Many prayers coming your way.

Shell said...

You've got a lot on your plate!

Sending prayers!

Elle said...

Hang in there, it will all be over soon.

Miriam said...

I'm sorry you have to go through so much at once and then have it all coated in Clomid crazies :/ I'm sending lots of healing vibes for your father. I hope on your trip this weekend you find some peace and quiet for yourself, and take time to do for you- it sounds like you really need it. Hang in there! *hug*

~Miriam (ICLW #139) Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed

Niki said...

I am sending prayers your way for your dad and your sanity. I prayer for your dad's healthy and I hope you can find some relaxation this weekend.


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