Thursday, April 29, 2010

What I'm Not

First off, I wanted to thank everyone for all the wonderful and encouraging comments that have been left on my last few blog posts. They really do mean the world to me and are helping me get through this difficult time. There are somethings that you just can't say in real life and having this forum to get it out and get back encouragement has made all the difference. So, once again - Thank You from the bottom of my heart.

Now...on to my real post for today...

So my last few posts have been about frustrations I'm having and accepting me for what I am. That got me to reflect and think back on all the things I am not. Yes, I realize 27 is a little young for reflecting back but don't they always say you don't know where you're going unless you know where you've been?

So let's go back 10 years or so to start with what I'm not. I am most definitely not one of the entitled youth. You know the kids that got a brand new car for their 16th birthday, limos to the prom, etc. I was painfully aware that my parents hovered just above the poverty line. Any extra money we might have had went into my gymnastics which I had a partial scholarship for. My high school was extremely cliquey and there was a defining line between the haves and have nots. Yes they were perfectly nice to your face but there was a clear understanding that you were not going to "hang out" outside of school. I wasn't a cheerleader, the most popular or the standout student. I had my friends that I could eat lunch with, see when I wasn't at practice and for the most part I got along just fine. I'm not particularly close to anyone I went to high school with but I also don't really harbor any hard feelings. It was what it was. I know that being exposed to people who judged your value by the amount of money your parents make made me who I am today.

College was a blast. I honestly loved everything about it and consider it the best choice I ever made. I had the craziest, best group of friends a girl could ever ask for. They tolerated all of my bad boyfriends, listened to me read papers in the middle of a party due to my procrastinating and convinced me to go out for a few hours when those papers were due. I honestly love all of them dearly and even though I do not see them often I am so unequivocally proud of each and every one of them for the successes they are achieving now. I am friends with people who compose film scores, are in touring bands and write for major publications. I'm also friends with wonderful people who will come and DJ my wedding, take photos and support (with reservations) most of my choices. I can truly say that these people made me the confident women I am today.

In the past 6 years or so I have suffered through a relationship with an alcoholic, broke up, found my independence, started a new relationship, got married, buried the alcoholic ex, bought a car with the hubby, bought a house, suffered through other addiction issues with family members, sat by my dad's bedside in the ICU, fought infertility and countless other things which all showed me what I am not.

I am not WEAK. My strength and resilience have been tested to the limits by family, friends and work. I'm still here so I must be doing something right.

I am not THE AMOUNT OF MONEY IN THE BANK. Money doesn't make you happy. We are lucky enough to have been able to buy a house and a vehicle in the past year - without assistance from anyone. Yes, we did it all ourselves. For those that are entitled - you have no idea how empowering it is to know that it was YOU who made it happen. I am so proud every time I pull up to that house.

I am not SELFISH. I have given so much of myself the past few years that I honestly feel like I lost a piece of myself along the way. I hope to reclaim that soon.

I am not SETTLING. I will never settle for just enough - be it in love, career, finance or family. I am always going to strive for what it is we really need. I am willing to make things happen and haven't failed yet.

I am not SORRY. Yes - I have had some really tough times in my life. I am not sorry for that. They have taught me compassion and empathy for others. They have strengthened my faith and my family. They have made me grow as a person and truly no one has an easy life. We all have our struggles.

I know all the things I WILL BE - one way or another. SUCCESSFUL, HAPPY, LOVED, CARED FOR, A MOTHER, A SISTER, A WIFE AND A FRIEND.

So what are you not?


Jenn @ South of Sheridan said...

What an empowering post! Thank you for sharing all the things you aren't! :)

Sara said...

This is a GREAT post!! You are soooo strong. What a great way to remember all of that, and to be able to reference it when needed!!!

Niki said...

This is absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing.


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