What I'm Not

First off, I wanted to thank everyone for all the wonderful and encouraging comments that have been left on my last few blog posts. They really do mean the world to me and are helping me get through this difficult time. There are somethings that you just can't say in real life and having this forum to get it out and get back encouragement has made all the difference. So, once again - Thank You from the bottom of my heart.

Now...on to my real post for today...

So my last few posts have been about frustrations I'm having and accepting me for what I am. That got me to reflect and think back on all the things I am not. Yes, I realize 27 is a little young for reflecting back but don't they always say you don't know where you're going unless you know where you've been?

So let's go back 10 years or so to start with what I'm not. I am most definitely not one of the entitled youth. You know the kids that got a brand new car for their 16th birthday, limos to the prom, etc. I was painfully aware that my parents hovered just above the poverty line. Any extra money we might have had went into my gymnastics which I had a partial scholarship for. My high school was extremely cliquey and there was a defining line between the haves and have nots. Yes they were perfectly nice to your face but there was a clear understanding that you were not going to "hang out" outside of school. I wasn't a cheerleader, the most popular or the standout student. I had my friends that I could eat lunch with, see when I wasn't at practice and for the most part I got along just fine. I'm not particularly close to anyone I went to high school with but I also don't really harbor any hard feelings. It was what it was. I know that being exposed to people who judged your value by the amount of money your parents make made me who I am today.

College was a blast. I honestly loved everything about it and consider it the best choice I ever made. I had the craziest, best group of friends a girl could ever ask for. They tolerated all of my bad boyfriends, listened to me read papers in the middle of a party due to my procrastinating and convinced me to go out for a few hours when those papers were due. I honestly love all of them dearly and even though I do not see them often I am so unequivocally proud of each and every one of them for the successes they are achieving now. I am friends with people who compose film scores, are in touring bands and write for major publications. I'm also friends with wonderful people who will come and DJ my wedding, take photos and support (with reservations) most of my choices. I can truly say that these people made me the confident women I am today.

 

In the past 6 years or so I have suffered through a relationship with an alcoholic, broke up, found my independence, started a new relationship, got married, buried the alcoholic ex, bought a car with the hubby, bought a house, suffered through other addiction issues with family members, sat by my dad's bedside in the ICU, fought infertility and countless other things which all showed me what I am not.

I am not WEAK. My strength and resilience have been tested to the limits by family, friends and work. I'm still here so I must be doing something right.

I am not THE AMOUNT OF MONEY IN THE BANK. Money doesn't make you happy. We are lucky enough to have been able to buy a house and a vehicle in the past year - without assistance from anyone. Yes, we did it all ourselves. For those that are entitled - you have no idea how empowering it is to know that it was YOU who made it happen. I am so proud every time I pull up to that house.

I am not SELFISH. I have given so much of myself the past few years that I honestly feel like I lost a piece of myself along the way. I hope to reclaim that soon.

I am not SETTLING. I will never settle for just enough - be it in love, career, finance or family. I am always going to strive for what it is we really need. I am willing to make things happen and haven't failed yet.

I am not SORRY. Yes - I have had some really tough times in my life. I am not sorry for that. They have taught me compassion and empathy for others. They have strengthened my faith and my family. They have made me grow as a person and truly no one has an easy life. We all have our struggles.

I know all the things I WILL BE - one way or another. SUCCESSFUL, HAPPY, LOVED, CARED FOR, A MOTHER, A SISTER, A WIFE AND A FRIEND.

So what are you not?

Pour Your Heart Out - Take Me as I Am

Shell over at Things I Can't Say hosts - Pour Your Heart Out.

Click over to her to read the Rules.

So I'm just going to get it out there and admit it. I can be a bitch sometimes. I'm super emotional and stubborn as a mule. When my environment gets thrown out of whack - I get even worse. Sounds awful doesn't it?

I'm not finished yet though. I am also capable of saying some pretty nasty things when mad. I will cut you down to size and make you feel lower than you ever thought possible. I hate sob stories of people who feel that things keep happening to them and take no responsibility for the way their lives turn out. We live in the land of opportunity -here anything is possible - if you choose to drop out of high school, make babies, stay at home while your partner works a dead end job and supports a drug habit and wonder why you are poor - I just have trouble conjuring up pity for you. I firmly believe that you create your own destiny.

On the other hand I am  also capable of compassion and caring like you could never imagine. I can forgive be there for you even when I'm mad. I love without limits. I will worry over you and pray for you over sleeping, eating and caring for myself.

So what's the point of this? I guess I'm just saying take me as I am. My flaws are many and it might not be easy loving me or being my friend but its probably worth the hassle. Know that I blow up quickly but will turn around and apologize just as fast IF I was in fact wrong. If not - fat chance in hell. :) I'm probably hardest to deal with right now but - can I lean on you this time and I'll be there for you when you need it?

Post It Note Tuesday - No I'm not Okay

Today's Post-It notes are brought to you by Clomid, stress, tears and the number 3 (as in days to our mini vacation.. Hope you enjoy and please share your thoughts!

Only one actual post it this week and then a very long drawn out emotional explanation. Bear with me!

At the moment I am currently and cautiously hanging on to my last shred of sanity. Its a combination of Clomid, stress, exhaustion, worry, anxiety, frustration and probably a million other things. So in case you were wondering - No, I'm not okay right now. But no one ever really asks that when you need it, do they?

This past month has been the worst and most harrowing experience in my life dealing with my dad's condition. Even though he is out of the hospital it doesn't change the fact that he does in fact have an artery that is completely blocked and his symptoms can return. Shands turned him down for the surgery and the hospital turned him down for financial assistance which also takes away his clinic and follow up care and the other free clinic in town isn't accepting new patients. My mom is also still smoking and drinking despite seeing what my dad went through as a result of that. My sister and I have been trying to handle everything for my parents. That means at least twice a week I drive over to my parent's straight after work to handle paperwork, thank you notes, etc. I now sleep with my cell phone by the bed every night and can't help but be worried every time the phone rings. I know it's not healthy and that worrying won't change or prevent anything but - THAT"S MY DADDY and I just can't help it.

Two of our houseguests I mentioned last week are still at the house. When Joey asked if they could come stay I told him no at the time. I knew with all the stress I was under I just couldn't handle it. I need to have my quiet house to escape to and relax if I needed it. I tried explaining all that to him but he was relentless and finally wore me down until I agreed. I warned him at the time that it wasn't going to be pretty and would cause a huge rift between us. I was right. All we've done is bitch and fight the past two weeks since we can't even relax in our own home. It sucks majorly since what I really need right now is some comfort.

To top it all off - I started 100mg of Clomid too. Which has me ranging from hysterical crying wreck or superbitch. Yea - neither side is particularly lovely. It also makes me question how this is supposed to work since neither mood is particularly conducive to babymaking. Then again - neither is the stress. Or the raging headaches. 

So in case you were wondering - Nope, I'm not okay. I'm hoping that our trip this weekend will refresh me and give me a new outlook. Maybe sprinkle some positivity into me. In the mean time I just keep praying...and then praying some more.

International Comment Leaving Week

Just a quick shout out to everyone stopping by for ICLW. This is my first time participating so I'm sure glad to see you here. Quick background - we married in May of 08. I went off birth control in July of 08 and still nothing. Started with an RE in July of 09 and after giving them all my money for a cycle of Femara and a cycle of Clomid with a trigger shot, I decided to go back to my Ob/Gyn for a bit. I have done two cycles of 50mg Clomid so far and am currently waiting to see if AF shows in the next few days. If so I will be moving on to 100mg of Clomid and an IUI in June. This hasn't been a fun adventure but we are determined to get through this. Feel free to poke around and read.

Pour Your Heart Out - Thank God for Hubbies

Shell over at Things I Can't Say hosts - Pour Your Heart Out.

Click over to her to read the Rules.
I have never been one to claim that I have the perfect marriage or the perfect husband. We are just shy of our two year anniversary and there were many occasions over the past few years where I wondered if we would make it. We had our struggles, tears, and fights. The events of the past few weeks have made me truly deeply appreciate what I do have in my hubby!

When my dad was in the hospital Joey stepped up big time. He dropped everything, left work and came to me when my Dad went downhill the second day. Even though he was three hours away. This was the first time in three years that I was the one that needed him. I am usually the strong one, the rock who keeps everything going smoothly and keeps it all together. With my dad so sick I couldn't eat, sleep, think or function. I stayed at my mom and dad's house for almost a week while Joey drove back and forth while tending to the pets, keeping the house, and working. He held me while I cried and boosted me up when I needed it. He also cried with me at times which oddly enough was comforting also. He spent Easter with my family since my Dad had just been released from the hospital and never complained. He takes care of all the repairs and maintenance on my parents car and the only payment he takes in return is a six-pack of beer. :)

That alone would have been enough to make me appreciate him all over again but having our house guests really made me realize what a good man he is.

The husband in our house guest situation has been unemployed for a year. Normally, I would say well it's hard for anyone to get a job right now but quite honestly he never even looked. I think his drug addiction may have factored into that a little...maybe?? (Side note - We kicked him out last night. The wife and child can stay until she can find a place of her own. She works and is a good person so we have no issues with her) If that wasn't bad enough - he doesn't do a lick around the house. In addition to his wife working she would have to come home, cook, clean, do laundry, take care of her daughter and give him money. He honestly just sat on the couch all day watching TV - didn't even mind the child.

Joey has his lazy days - he may not move off the couch all day at least one day out of the month. But he is also not afraid to pitch in wherever it is needed. Laundry needs to be done - No problem. I need him to cook dinner while I wash dishes - ok. I drag him along grocery shopping - he sneaks things into the cart when I'm not looking. This month he has retiled our entire guest bath, tiled the bedroom entryway where the dog ate the carpet, cleared out the flower beds in front of the house, and sold his project Jeep at a loss to get it out of our yard.

So I can say without hesitation - I thank the Lord for blessing me with this amazing man who respects me, loves me and works hard to provide for our family. I look forward to spending the rest of my life with him. Even when he's laying on the couch snoring away with the dog.

Post It Note Tuesday - Houseguests

Today's Post-It notes are brought to you by PMS, ungracious houseguests and the letter C. Hope you enjoy and please share your thoughts!

Not Me Monday

Not Me Monday was created by MckMama -- It's an opportunity to get a little therapy for all those things you would never do, but did :) Click here for all the rules.

All of the following happened over the last few weeks but I figure since I missed a few NMM's I could catch up now.

I did not manage to slam my nose into the handle on the freezer door on Good Friday in front of my whole family. This did not cause a huge bump to swell up and make me look like the idiot I was not.

In another act of pure genius I also did not happen to throw my debit card in the trash at my mom and dad's causing my dad to have to dig through the trash can to retrieve it. I would never in my life do something that stupid.

I would never buy a birthday card for my niece and leave it in my drawer at work while leaving the cheesecake for her party in my fridge. I'm not forgetful like that.

I have not had my husband's friends staying with us the past week which is definitely not making me even more neurotic then usual because I love having my house invaded by people who are apparently incapable of taking care of themselves and their child.

I'll stop now before I dig that hole any deeper...

5QF/Friday Follow and A Sleep Deprived Wife

It's a BOGO today - Five Question and Friday Follow. Today's edition is brought to you by coffee - since I'll be drinking it all day. You see my darling, loving hubby decided to do back flips, swan dives and army boot camp training in his sleep last night which means I was kicked, punched and had the covers stolen all night. To top it off the dog shimmied his way up to my side of the bed/pillow too so I'm thinking I got about two hours of sleep. Then the hubby ran off with MY LUNCH this morning. My delicious, amazing leftover shrimp alfredo. grumble.....

Five Question Friday is just a fun way to get to know other bloggers. Click above to find out more and join in on the fun!
 

1. What words do you use on your blog/online that you don't use in real life?

 Not really words but abbreviations like dh (dear hubby), if (infertility) and such I don't think I have any actual words that I don't use in both.

2. Do you still write checks?

No - I used my last check a few months ago and now if I need one I just do online bill pay and let my bank take care of it!

3. Who was your favorite President and why?

I don't think I have enough experience with that yet to answer this one since the majority of my adult life was spent with Bush in office and it definitely wasn't him.  I'm not a huge fan of Obama either. Scandals aside I think Clinton did a pretty good job but that's from the perspective of a teenager. If he was in office now I may think differently. 


In a history sense I admire Lincoln the most since he had an extremely tough job and I think he handled it well.

4. Are you a yeller?

Oh yes - I am a yeller, screamer cut you downer. I blow up, seethe and it passes over quickly. My whole family is explosive so I come by it honestly!

5. Have you ever dumpster dived?

Not actually dumpster diving but I have picked up furniture someone had at the curb that were in good shape and we could use it. There's no shame in that. Since my elderly neighbor across the street takes everything short of trash that we set out!

Just for a day...

I would like to live the life of one of my pets.

It seems to me that life really can't get much better than they have it. They don't work. Have no bills to pay. Are fed on demand, get attention whenever they want it and can take naps all day long! In my next life - I'm coming back as a pet - its a cushy gig!

Get a Life

Have you ever stumbled across those people that just don't have a life? Maybe they were a facebook or myspace friend and you happened to notice all of their time is spent playing Mafia Wars, Farmville, etc. They may appear to have a life - you know a husband/wife, kids, pets, but then you dig a little deeper and see that they are living through the kid and their spouse is never mentioned. They don't seem to have their own existence outside of the computer and their kids.  They never post picture of themselves doing anything. The kids and pets - maybe. They stalk you on facebook, you see them popping up on your stats for the blog constantly. They don't work, rarely leave the house. Maybe they live close by and you keep making plans with them but they never follow through with them. It starts to get a little annoying but you ignore it. Then one day when you see the 927092039209209 Mafia War announcement pop up you decide to cut the cord. You just can't take it anymore - I mean honestly do people not have anything better to do then Facebook and online stalk?

Joey and I aren't social butterflies by any means but we keep our lives pretty full. It is rare for me to get on the computer after I get home from work - unless we have an urgent need, I stay away. Most weekends I never even turn the machine on. We both work so that eats up about 10 hours of the day. When we get home there is dinner to make, a house to clean, pets to take care of, and quality time to be spent together. On weekends we have family functions, friends over, yard work, church, etc. Life is even busier when Devin is here with day camp, friends, swimming, and the business of being a kid. Where do these people find the time to sit on the computer all day? Why do they try to live vicariously through others? I mean if you were that bored wouldn't you make the effort to fill your life up with other things? If you are bored at home you could go look for a job or volunteer and help someone else out. Exercise. Mentor. Start a new hobby. I just don't think there is any excuse for it.

Now I don't want anyone to take this as me not loving my fellow bloggers, readers, and followers. I do love you, I appreciate your comments and I love reciprocating and reading about the going ons in your life. I really do. So no - this isn't about YOU. Unless you happen to be stalking me and are sitting at home unhappy and wish you could be doing something other than reading this - then please by all means feel free to ditch me and get a life. May I suggest joining the Y and making new friends there or maybe a book club? I'm still searching for a cooking class here by me since I would love to take one. Don't worry I won't be offended if you suddenly don't have the time to visit my page since I know you are busy finding what makes you happy.

Now if you will excuse me I need to resume my google search of cooking classes and finish planning my vacation with the hubby.

Pour Your Heart Out - Infertility sucks

Shell over at Things I Can't Say hosts - Pour Your Heart Out.

Click over to her to read the Rules.

Infertility sucks.

No really - it does on so many levels. This is 17 cycles now since going off birth control with nothing. I have been poked, prodded, interrogated and taken all sorts of medication which turned me into a basket case. My husband has sat in a little room and "produced" a "sample" so they could test his manhood. All this in our desire to have a child together. I no longer bat an eyelash when I'm asked to hop up on a table so they can insert the "wand" in me and scan my girly parts. I have learned to say thank you when told I have beautiful ovaries or great eggs. I can tell you the pros and cons of different medications and protocols, which positions are best, what to use, what not to use, etc etc. That's all well and dandy - BUT I"M STILL NOT PREGNANT!!!

It is tough to feel like you failed month after month. To have your body be your biggest enemy. It took my hubby a bit to catch on to how hard all this was on me. For one - he already has two kids so this would just be a bonus for him. For two - he kept thinking it would just happen on its own. Somewhere in the last three months he realized that the chances of that were slim to none. He started asking me about IUI's and IVF, the cost involved, what my doctor would want to do next. Which has helped. A little. So far I have done one cycle of Femara - which I didn't respond to at all, then a cycle of 25mg of Clomid with Ovidrel which wasn't much better - those were through the give us all your money reproductive endocrinologist. I then went back to my Ob/Gyn who happens to specialize in hormones. I have done two cycles of 50mg of Clomid - if this month didn't do it for us we are going up to 100mg for three months. They are also pricing IUI for me since he does them in the office. The neat part is my doctor will actually have my husband be the one to inject (deposit?) the sample into me after the catheter is placed so we will still be the ones to have made the baby. They also work with you to keep the rates manageable.

I have learned not to get my hopes up anymore. I also respond honestly when most people ask rude or insensitive questions about when we will have kids. I've found it shuts them up pretty quickly. It's tough because there are even times when family will say the wrong thing because they don't grasp just how painful the whole experience is. I cry to my hubby at least once a week about it and I don't think that's the Clomid talking. I do have a few things that make me optimistic - this past month I could really feel the Clomid working - I had pain and twinges and just knew when I ovulated - that has never happened before. I also ovulated around cycle day 17 which is early for me. So maybe the 100mg will do the trick - or maybe it won't. Regardless of the outcome - I can always go back to watching 16 and Pregnant and shouting at the unfairness of it all. Sometimes a good bitch fest about the idiots that are able to bear children makes it all a little easier.

Post It Tuesday - Hubbies, Dogs, and Cats

I must be getting back in the swing of things if I'm doing a Post It Note Tuesday!

Where we stand now...

Yes - I've been neglecting my blog. The past 3 weeks have been such an upheaval that I have just now recovered enough to get on here and post. My dad was released from the hospital on the Wednesday before Easter. He does not have any lasting deficits from the TIA's. His BP has been steady ever since. He is scheduled to go back to work this week. We also heard back from Shands Hospital that they will be bringing him in for a consult on the EC/IC surgery - which is the only way they can get around the occluded artery. This is another area where I just keep praying that he is a candidate for the surgery and that they are able to cover it with charity.

This experience has profoundly changed all of us. I will be the first to admit I did not handle it well at all. My dad means the world to me and seeing him in ICU just made me fall apart. If not for my family and Joey I probably would have had a nervous breakdown. Since Dad has been out of the hospital you can truly see that he is happy again and embracing life. He researches cholesterol lowering foods on the internet all day long and calls us with his discoveries. We have all been spending a lot more time together and are even closer than we were before - which I didn't think was possible.

I'm going to keep this one short and just say - Thank you all for your prayers and support. Please keep praying that he stays healthy and is able to get the surgery.