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Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Pour Your Heart Out - We see things differently


Joey recently told me that he knows he hasn't been there as much as he should be during this pregnancy and that he was going to start doing more. It was going to be about me, him and Jellybean from here on out.

Somehow - in my crazy, deluded head I decided that this meant a fairy godmother had come down, waved her magic wand and everything was going to go smoothly from then on out.

As I mentioned before I worked six days last week. Three of those days were 14 hours or more. By Sunday, I was exhausted but the house was also falling apart around me. We hadn't cleaned the previous weekend since we had my nephews over and then there was no way I had time to clean at all the rest of the week so Sunday I had no other choice. Joey had promised he would help me out with the cleaning. I should have known from previous experience what that actually meant.

He rolled out of bed around 10:30 and on to the couch. I had been up since 7:30 am and had already swept, done two loads of laundry, made breakfast and put dinner in the crock pot. Then he took a nap. I mopped, washed dishes, did 87 more loads of laundry and cleaned the bathrooms.

When he finally woke up from his nap...around 4pm - I asked him if he would please vacuum already since it had been sitting in the living room since 11am waiting for him. Then he told me I was a slave driver. (This would be an Oh No He Didn't! moment and yes he really did.) Once my head stopped spinning and I was no longer tempted to grab a chef's knife or rolling pin and go after him, I gave him a quick run down of everything I had done so far that day - and what he had done. I calmly let him know that I had no problem not asking him to help me anymore (at six months pregnant) but I in turn would also stop doing everything that I do. For some reason at that point he decided to start vacuuming.

I'm not sure what inspired him but I have a feeling I'm going to have to start making these great offers more often in order to get some help. How do you distribute the chores more evenly at your house and get your other half to help you? As I get further along in this pregnancy I am going to be more and more limited in what I can do and especially after Jellybean is here. In Joey's defense he has picked up some of the chores I really can't do anymore - walking the dog, using the harsh chemicals on the deep clean of the bathroom, etc. I have actually considered a chore chart but my biggest problem is I get upset when something doesn't get done on my time line - you know immediately. Any advice on accepting that he will help you but it may take a day, two, or a week?





Shell over at Things I Can't Say hosts - Pour Your Heart Out. It is a place to just get whatever is weighing on your heart out. Please be kind to all of the posters.

9 comments:

S.I.F. said...

I've got no advice for your friend, mostly because I'm single and usually live alone... I have thought about this before though, and I'm pretty sure I am going to wind up killing the first guy I live with. It's pretty much inevitable...

Shell said...

You have to make your expectations very clear. I used to get mad b/c dh wouldn't do the things that I expected him to. But, then I realized that I never TOLD him what I expected.

It got better after that- and still, he does things on his own timeline- but it helps that if he says that he will do something, I will NOT do it. Even if it takes him a while to do it. It's actually made him do things faster, knowing that if he puts it off, he won't be off the hook.

Sara said...

I don't have any advice either, because I am still finding my husbands socks crammed into couch cushions. I may kill him one day and that's all the evidence my lawyer is going to need to get me aquitted. If you find something that works, let me know!!

Nicki said...

Hi there. Newly following from MBC! I have been married for 18 years and I hear you! It can be very frustrating but it only got better for me when I changed my expectations and also when I started to really notice what he DID do. I used to trip in the door (if I could open the door at all) over all the shoes and toys on the floor blocking the door and I would flip out. He would tell me I was being such a bitch (duh! I almost fell on my ass, idiot!) because I didn't even notice he did the dishes. He was right. I always got so annoyed over the little things that I never saw the big picture. My kids are 12 and 16 now. The house us usually not clean. Not totally trashed but to the point where I would have to clean if someone was coming over. I want it clean at all times but it is more important to me that my family knows that I appreciate what they do help with and when I can't take it anymore, I just tell everyone to get off their ass and clean for 10 minutes straight and it is much better after! Anyway, good luck!!!

Alexis AKA MOM said...

Oh girl I have nothing here for you my husb always says he's going to help me with the house and boys and I may get a day or two and bam he's done. Since I work from home he thinks it's easy and I should have all this done too. I really am at a lost most days.

I hope the helping continues!!

fojoy said...

Nicki has a great point - I used to focus on what my Hubs didn't do and conveniently ignored what he did. I had to learn that we just had different priorities when it came to "chores". But I have also learned that if I do ask (tell) him that I need something done, he will do it - I just couldn't depend on him "knowing" what I wanted done or picking up subtle hints. He does not do subtle well...

Momma0f3~1662~ said...

If you find an answer to this question please share! My SO works construction and due to the recent weather issues has only been working 2-3 days a week. When I asked him if he could help out a little more around the house so that I wouldn't have to spend my evenings (after working a full time job 5 days a week) and weekends cleaning, cooking and taking care of three kids he said "well maybe I would do more if you ever lifted a finger to help." AHH WHAT! How the hell does he think everything gets done? The house cleaning fairy? OOOO It took everything in my power not to freak. I too told him that I would be more then happy to stop doing what I do if he didn't want to help out. SOOO frustrating!

Day 2 Day Living said...

At my house I do the inside and hubby does the outside. I don't do yard work at all.

Renegades said...

I don't think you can make them help without them being bitter.

Did he help before the pregnancy because if not it's going to be hard for him to change.

I grew up that it was the woman's job to keep the house I look at the 20something mothers who divide jobs and think wow good for them. My husband will help out if I ask, but I have to ask. Plus I know to ask in a nice not bitchy way and hey as long as he gets it done on the day I asked I'm pleased.

I don't know if any of this helps, but I'm thinking of ya.

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