Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Pour Your Heart Out - A new kind of normal
Shell over at Things I Can't Say hosts - Pour Your Heart Out. It is a place to just get whatever is weighing on your heart out. Please be kind to all of the posters.
Ever since my dad's hospital stay my life has not been the same - at all. There was a time there right before I found out I was carrying Jellybean that I was ready to go to my doctor to ask him to prescribe me something - anything - to deal with the constant worrying and anxiety I was feeling about my daddy. I honestly wasn't able to think of anything else. I would call my dad 6 or so times a day. My life and mind were a constant case of what ifs and I was sure no one else understood what I was going through. I was driving everyone including myself and my poor dad crazy and I just couldn't relax. I think in a way God sent me precious Jellybean as a way to distract me and tell me that life has to go on no matter what the outcome of the situation is with my dad.
My life has taken on a new kind of normal ever since all that happened though. I pray often throughout the day and mostly for my father's health. I fully understand we are all given a limited amount of time on this earth but I'm not ready to part with my dad anytime soon. I still call him more often. It's usually about three times a day now instead of the six. I don't think I can cut down more than that. I take my phone with me everywhere - JUST IN CASE. Taking the dog for a quick walk? Yup - that phone is with me. Heading to bed? It's on my nightstand and always charged. Life has a semblance of what it used to be but there's an underlying current of fear there. We know that my dad still needs multiple surgeries to fix him up. We cannot do any of these until we know if he will be approved for patient assistance or not. If not we have to pursue disability for him which is another long waiting process that he may not have time for. It’s a cruel, cruel waiting game. There are also no guarantees with any of this. All we have for sure is today - there is no promise of tomorrow.
I've learned through this ordeal to be more hopeful and to truly believe that God can and does work miracles. I believe that through God's grace my dad's carotid artery which was completely occluded and needed a crazy EC/IC bypass surgery will show a 99% occlusion on his next ultrasound and he will instead be able to instead either have an endarterectomy or stenting. I also believe that this miracle inside me was definitely a miracle from God after all of our struggles to conceive. I also feel that these two miracles together mean that God thinks Jellybean and his/her future siblings need their grandfather around for a long while still and he is just helping all of the pieces fall into place. Once we get all this sorted out maybe the worry and anxiety will slowly begin to fade too.
(PS - Jellybean's big reveal should come around three PM today! How excited are we???)