Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Pour Your Heart Out

Shell over at Things I Can't Say is starting something new - Pour Your Heart Out.

Here are the Rules:

Write a post from the heart.
Something that has been weighing on you.
Something you feel passionately about.
Something you've been wanting to talk about.
A cause, a memory, a belief, a world view.


It took me a second to figure out what I was going to write about. What out there really truly weighs heavily on me?

I knew instantly what that was - in my 27 years there is one thing out there that has hurt me and made me grow more than anything else- Addictions.

Not my addictions personally - I don't really get addicted to much at all, unless reading counts but I don't think it does. No addictions in family, friends and relationships.

Whether it is drugs or alcohol - addiction is a nasty, nasty demon. It eats away at both the addicted and their family and friends. It turns the addicted into a selfish person who has no concern or regard for anyone but his or herself. It turns the people that love the addict neurotic, hateful, and emotionally spent due to all the time, money, emotion and worry they have invested in the situation. Nothing about the situation is easy and there are no promises.

The guy I dated before dh was a full blown alcoholic. He went through detox three or four times in the three years we were together. At the time we broke up he had been sober for almost a year. He was the one that initiated the break up and at first I was devastated. Then once enough time had passed I was grateful for him ending the relationship as I realized how much I had missed out on having to take care of him. I finally had time to take care of and worry about myself. Unfortunately things didn't work out too smoothly for the ex. He went back to drinking. Was in and out of detox, rehab and jail for the next 2 years. Finally in September of 08 he passed away due to the alcoholism. That was the first time I had someone that close to me die. I spoke at both of his memorial services- was there for his family. Watched it completely overwhelm his mom. I finally realized the power addiction really truly had.

That wasn't the end of my dealing with addictions in other people but that experience prepared me for what I would face in the future. I have learned that the recovery process is long and arduous with slips along the way. That the person truly is trying as hard as they can to change and just because it doesn't seem like enough to me (someone who has no problem swearing off anything) doesn't mean that they are failing. The fact that an addict is selfish also does not mean they don't love you or that the alcohol or drug is more important to them. It simply means that they are fighting something bigger than they are and right now they can't give you what you need.

I wouldn't wish the experience I went through on anyone out there but in the end I am glad I went through it. I learned a lot about myself in the process and that is probably the most valuable thing that came out of it.


Messy Mommy said...

Addictions are so horrible. My aunt just spent over a year in jail for a 5th DUI. She's lost her husband, kids, grandkids, but she just can't stop drinking! She's doing okay now but we will see...

Kmama said...

Stopping by from Shell's blog...

Addiction is a terrible, terrible thing. My husband's cousin passed away a couple weeks ago due to a heroin addiction. She was 21.

Big hugs to you!

Jenn @ South of Sheridan said...

It's scary to think that a substance can overtake your life like that.

Stopping by from Shell's

Kerri said...

Addiction to alcohol, cigarettes and drugs run in my family. It has always made me so angry. Sometimes I just want to shake these people out of their stupor..they seem to go through the motions...over and over and over and never change.

I agree with your thoughts on this.
Thanks for sharing.

Brittney said...

this hits home with me. my sister is an addict (pills) I watch her throw her life away daily its hard to deal with but id never leave her alone, Ill always be here when she needs me. I know that its the addiction making her that way and not herself.

Sorry for your loss

Shell said...

Addiction really is such a destructive force. My biological father is a drug addict. It is why he is not a part of my children's lives. They do not know him at all. It's a choice that I had to make because I did not want him to be that destructive force in their lives.

Thanks for sharing this heartfelt post!


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