Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Pour Your Heart Out
Shell over at Things I Can't Say is starting something new - Pour Your Heart Out.
Here are the Rules:
Write a post from the heart.
Something that has been weighing on you.
Something you feel passionately about.
Something you've been wanting to talk about.
A cause, a memory, a belief, a world view.
It took me a second to figure out what I was going to write about. What out there really truly weighs heavily on me?
I knew instantly what that was - in my 27 years there is one thing out there that has hurt me and made me grow more than anything else- Addictions.
Not my addictions personally - I don't really get addicted to much at all, unless reading counts but I don't think it does. No addictions in family, friends and relationships.
Whether it is drugs or alcohol - addiction is a nasty, nasty demon. It eats away at both the addicted and their family and friends. It turns the addicted into a selfish person who has no concern or regard for anyone but his or herself. It turns the people that love the addict neurotic, hateful, and emotionally spent due to all the time, money, emotion and worry they have invested in the situation. Nothing about the situation is easy and there are no promises.
The guy I dated before dh was a full blown alcoholic. He went through detox three or four times in the three years we were together. At the time we broke up he had been sober for almost a year. He was the one that initiated the break up and at first I was devastated. Then once enough time had passed I was grateful for him ending the relationship as I realized how much I had missed out on having to take care of him. I finally had time to take care of and worry about myself. Unfortunately things didn't work out too smoothly for the ex. He went back to drinking. Was in and out of detox, rehab and jail for the next 2 years. Finally in September of 08 he passed away due to the alcoholism. That was the first time I had someone that close to me die. I spoke at both of his memorial services- was there for his family. Watched it completely overwhelm his mom. I finally realized the power addiction really truly had.
That wasn't the end of my dealing with addictions in other people but that experience prepared me for what I would face in the future. I have learned that the recovery process is long and arduous with slips along the way. That the person truly is trying as hard as they can to change and just because it doesn't seem like enough to me (someone who has no problem swearing off anything) doesn't mean that they are failing. The fact that an addict is selfish also does not mean they don't love you or that the alcohol or drug is more important to them. It simply means that they are fighting something bigger than they are and right now they can't give you what you need.
I wouldn't wish the experience I went through on anyone out there but in the end I am glad I went through it. I learned a lot about myself in the process and that is probably the most valuable thing that came out of it.